Today's the last day of my second posting, medical. I got the day off, so I thought I should pen down how's stuff so far.
So far I've gone through Orthopaedics and Medical. When I entered the medical department, the people leaving were cheering us on, you know, wishing us luck and all. I remember them saying, medical is fun, at first it is overwhelming but towards the end, it's fun. Today is my last day and I honestly dont know what they mean. lol.
It's goddamn tiring. I think the most heavy part about being in medical is that you have to wake up early. If u arrive at 6.30, it's usually considered late. Unless like you're super fast with your job, or you know there's not much case, or you already know your case because the MOs will come at 8 and then you start the routine (rounds etc). The thing is you don't cover the same cubicle/ward at all times. You switch and you must be able to just suddenly go to certain places and review patients, know their progress, carry out plans etc. Though I must admit, the MOs and specialist doesn't really scrutinize you if you don't know the case because usually they know better. Because they're in charge of the ward and they see the patients everyday (except on weekends if they're not oncall).
It's physically tiring but i must admit that mental torture is definitely not an issue here. Most of the people in the department are nice people unless you do something stupid then kena marah but if memang it's your fault then you have to accept la. I would always remind myself that there can't always be sunny days. Of course you would make mistakes every now and then, be a bit lazy especially when you got too comfortable.You'd feel super shitty when that happens but hey, must pick myself up each time.
Housemanship is supposed to be a period of learning and collecting experiences. I want to have the attitude of greedy to acquire all that because if you think about it, some of the specialties will be the last time you encounter them during this time. So gotta make it count, a lot. I felt bad for not making the extra effort to study or enhance my medical knowledge during this posting because I'd usually just be lazy on my offdays like kerja days super penat kot! But after a while, while walking back to ward carrying abg result after cpr only to do yet another cpr, I gave up and told myself, you know what, f this. I just wanna get things done, I'll learn and study some other time during the more free posting.
It however made me really appreciate ortho posting. Like they really wanted you to know. We'd have cme almost everyday at the clinics and during our assesment they asked loads of questions and they expect us to know most of the important orthopaedic stuff by heart. I felt like I wouldn't be doing orthopaedic in the future, so I was really semangat too to learn about ortho just so later, I wouldnt have to revisit the subject because I already know (I have pretty good memories).
The downside of it though, they really like blame you, scrutinize you if you dont know stuff/ dont know your patient/ dont know urea counts by heart, dont memorize the important numbers because we're in charge of much less patients so they expect us to be super thorough. but like how the fuck are we supposed to know what's important for this patient and not this patient you're the specialist and we don't share the same brain how we supposed to know what u wanna know. We're here to learn so teach us. Like I know it's frustrating houseman comes and goes and you have to keep repeating the same stuff cause you worked in this department for years and we've just started a few days/ months. I guess being teachers are hard. So you either want to teach us and be patient, or get shit done yourself/know the patients yourself and not be annoyed with disappointment with us all. ok. Lebih kurang mcm tu lah. Pretty much summarize why ortho hsa is a bit annoying. lol
What I appreciate in medical hsa is they dont really practice 'grand ward round', like everybody has to follow the specialist round patient to patient for the whole ward. You're free to carry on with your work while they are reviewing in other cubicles you're not in charge with. So there's definitely no standing for hours listening to what? here (aint nobody got time for that!), but of course there's definitely LOTS of walking and running around. Besides haemato and dengue ward, there's no division of specialty here. Like in Penang they'd have like 2 cubicles for cardio only, nephro only, endocrine and so on. Here, these patients could be in any bed. I mean it's good exposure but all these specialties do rounds and review at their own time with their own respective orders so like you have to be alert for never ending plans in your cubicle on top of your ward specialist round in the morning.
Honestly though, I can understand if people would have respect for houseman from hsa because we acquire the ability to get shit done fast even though most times we dont know jack what we're doing. If they say refer now, you must pick up the bht, go to the counter, call the operator for the extension number, flip quickly through the case and just.make.do. Sometimes when you're working night and you're covering the whole 1 block (4 wards male medical for example), how are you supposed to know who that patient is, but know you must. When you wanna go ask for scans, because the radiology department is some walk away, you kumpul the whole ward punya request (once you're more experienced), which includes those who are not your patient, get short and sweet history from ur colleague and then finally go down to save everyone's time and effort.
They say requesting scans is like mission impossible. Initially mmg pun especially when all these people request ultrasound for no strong indication, like seriously you also dont see the point like how to fight for it. But after a while you realise the radiologists are not stupid and they are people too. They know if you don't know and they'll mess with you. When they mess with you and you dont know what to goreng, don't proceed further with the goreng session. lol. that's when you simply beg. haha. kalau tak dapat jugak and your MO jenis yang mcm mana pun kena dapat jugak, walaupun he knows it's stupid request, I'd call my MO and ask them to tell me what to say to them, or request them to speak to the radiologists themselves :P
You also must be able to seriously multitask. If you're calling the operator waiting for them to pick up, if you're not doing something (fill up lab forms, label blood, document stuff in bht, do discharge summaries etc) you'd feel super jittery! You have so many pending works to do and you can't just sit around waiting for the operator to pick up the damn phone.
I developed severe stress acne. I've never had this much acne before in my life. Initially I was worried, bought some products, basically lost it and spent so much. After a while though I notice they'd improve after a good night sleep so I thought, meh, let it all out, I'll deal with this after housemanship ends.
So yeah, I think that's ok for now. See what next posting will bring to me. Housemanship is exhausting but to me it's not as stressful and dreadful as studying time. At least you materialise and practice your knowledge and you see the results. You know you're progressing somehow and only have to be patient before you get better at this. Unlike medical school, you'll never know if you'd actually get through, pass and become a doctor. It's all still so vague.
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
Friday, October 14, 2016
Travelling Alone
The new hype of this decade i guess.
I mean of course people have been doing it ever since mankind was created but lately I feel like it is annoying that it is blown way out of proportion. Like, it's amazing and all, go ahead and do it but no need to be super duper proud and braggy about it. Sure i guess people are excited to share good things, amazing things that they felt are worth sharing, perhaps sincerely wishing others would experience the same overwhelming experience, but on most part, it can be very confusing to the general public.
To me it looks like a marketing of TRAVELLING ALONE = SOUL SEARCHING/FINDING YOURSELF
Im sure there a lot of things you can discover and learn while travelling, especially in desperate moments of being alone, to be creative and think up of ways to survive, to get through shit that might pop out of nowhere, to be street-wise.
but then what?
You come back home and then what?
some throwbacks and basking in old gloriness of I once did that and it was amazing. Indeed it was nobody's denying you, but it's NOT soul-searching.
Ok. To be honest I'm so blessed to have the opportunity to study in Europe, to have the money and time and proximity to travel independently, planning on our own, experiencing different type of travelling styles with different types of people. I also admit that because of those experiences that I know and realise that I don't need travelling to find what i want in life.
I can find what I want in life in me. In my bedroom. Driving in my car. Being alone in crowded places. You just have to have enough maturity to do so. And to reach that I guess, you need to be hit by a certain type or amount of difficulty/suffering in life to really finally sit back and ponder what you want in life.
I mean.. It's totally up to you whether you want to venture into those thoughts or self development or not, it's really not for everybody but I don't think the thought of travelling= achievement in life is good. Travelling is a tool. It's not a solution.
People will start thinking they NEED to travel to find a solution when there are so many other tools one can utilise.
They'll say, travelling alone exposes you to seeing more people, forces you to make friends with people from other countries, forces you to come out of your comfort zone. I say, does it really go far, this friendship? beyond facebook friends and a few hi's for a year and occasional likes and comments? It seems superficial to me. I don't like superficial attachments. It's nice to have, but it doesn't make a difference.
I dont know, just materialising my thoughts. It has been a while. To be honest though, I'd really like to travel again soon. I miss the planning, the unexpected hurdles, shitty things that will always happen at least once at each travel and figuring out a way around them. I miss getting new experiences, seeing new places, basking in new environments.
To me what makes travelling gold and ageless are the memories, and memories are best when shared. That is why, I shall never want to discover a new place all by myself unless I absolutely know what I'm doing. Just because I feel like the memory is very fragile if kept by oneself. That's why I'm very picky nowadays when travelling. I've had experience doing random travles with people i barely know, you can expect the experience fades pretty quickly, i barely talk to those people anymore.
I mean of course people have been doing it ever since mankind was created but lately I feel like it is annoying that it is blown way out of proportion. Like, it's amazing and all, go ahead and do it but no need to be super duper proud and braggy about it. Sure i guess people are excited to share good things, amazing things that they felt are worth sharing, perhaps sincerely wishing others would experience the same overwhelming experience, but on most part, it can be very confusing to the general public.
To me it looks like a marketing of TRAVELLING ALONE = SOUL SEARCHING/FINDING YOURSELF
Im sure there a lot of things you can discover and learn while travelling, especially in desperate moments of being alone, to be creative and think up of ways to survive, to get through shit that might pop out of nowhere, to be street-wise.
but then what?
You come back home and then what?
some throwbacks and basking in old gloriness of I once did that and it was amazing. Indeed it was nobody's denying you, but it's NOT soul-searching.
Ok. To be honest I'm so blessed to have the opportunity to study in Europe, to have the money and time and proximity to travel independently, planning on our own, experiencing different type of travelling styles with different types of people. I also admit that because of those experiences that I know and realise that I don't need travelling to find what i want in life.
I can find what I want in life in me. In my bedroom. Driving in my car. Being alone in crowded places. You just have to have enough maturity to do so. And to reach that I guess, you need to be hit by a certain type or amount of difficulty/suffering in life to really finally sit back and ponder what you want in life.
I mean.. It's totally up to you whether you want to venture into those thoughts or self development or not, it's really not for everybody but I don't think the thought of travelling= achievement in life is good. Travelling is a tool. It's not a solution.
People will start thinking they NEED to travel to find a solution when there are so many other tools one can utilise.
They'll say, travelling alone exposes you to seeing more people, forces you to make friends with people from other countries, forces you to come out of your comfort zone. I say, does it really go far, this friendship? beyond facebook friends and a few hi's for a year and occasional likes and comments? It seems superficial to me. I don't like superficial attachments. It's nice to have, but it doesn't make a difference.
I dont know, just materialising my thoughts. It has been a while. To be honest though, I'd really like to travel again soon. I miss the planning, the unexpected hurdles, shitty things that will always happen at least once at each travel and figuring out a way around them. I miss getting new experiences, seeing new places, basking in new environments.
To me what makes travelling gold and ageless are the memories, and memories are best when shared. That is why, I shall never want to discover a new place all by myself unless I absolutely know what I'm doing. Just because I feel like the memory is very fragile if kept by oneself. That's why I'm very picky nowadays when travelling. I've had experience doing random travles with people i barely know, you can expect the experience fades pretty quickly, i barely talk to those people anymore.
Germany 2012. Rarely revisited but awesome travel still :P
1 girl, 3 guys, 4 car museums -__-
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
perhaps someday.
A dream that you wish will come true.
So many things to be grateful for.
So many complicated problems to face yet.
cant let this one or two things bring me down.
Things are only gonna get harder from here on out. Never easier.
Though perhaps it would be nicer to have someone to lean on, to cheer you on.
But for the moment my own comfortable solitude would have to suffice.
For the moment, I hope.
What will the future bring to me, I shouldn't even make it my business.
For now I must walk on, one step in front of another, just breathe and to keep on. Live on.
Heavy steps, but steps I must make still...
1 posting down, 5 more to go.
Just for 2 years. These days will go by in a blink of an eye.
Keep calm, breathe and carry on doctoring.
Love yourself Aisyah, because you are amazing in many ways.
and you don't need other people to see that.
So many things to be grateful for.
So many complicated problems to face yet.
cant let this one or two things bring me down.
Things are only gonna get harder from here on out. Never easier.
Though perhaps it would be nicer to have someone to lean on, to cheer you on.
But for the moment my own comfortable solitude would have to suffice.
For the moment, I hope.
What will the future bring to me, I shouldn't even make it my business.
For now I must walk on, one step in front of another, just breathe and to keep on. Live on.
Heavy steps, but steps I must make still...
1 posting down, 5 more to go.
Just for 2 years. These days will go by in a blink of an eye.
Keep calm, breathe and carry on doctoring.
Love yourself Aisyah, because you are amazing in many ways.
and you don't need other people to see that.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
dressing up and going out
Just a quick update ;)
Suddenly find myself feeling very inadequate fashion-wise. Going to the hospital just really means wearing the most comfortable and close to practical garments. Anything that may help your days go by a little smoother.
At the same time, I obviously have lesser chances of going out. Lesser opportunities to experiment with clothes and shoes and ultimately killed my appetite for more new clothings/look. That's very fine for my bank account but at one point this stagnance is dreadful and suffocating. I want to wear pretty clothessssss :((( and feel pretty :/
I miss my heels and dresses!
and good looking kebaya, and make ups!
This morning I spent some time looking at old pictures thinking, how did I do it. How was it that at that time, I felt so gorgeous, confident and amazing with how I carry myself?
Paris 2013
But I really dont wanna be gorgeous in the hospital. Just wanna be plain ol person. That's the problem.
I think, I'm gonna start explore all those muslimah boutiques at bbu and maybe come up with a fresh, pretty but me looks that I may experiment and play around with.
Yes. This is a declaration for a shopping spree!!! :D
but, will probably have to wait after raya (maybe? maybe not?) because think I have a few things to spend on this Ramadhan and raya (this year first time giving duit raya -_-)
but but, maybe i'll actually grab that cotton flowery dress.. and that cream with black lace shawl. yup2, that's it ;P
ok bye2.
p/s : things at hospital are as good as they're able to be. still working on the enthusiasm though? kbye
SELAMAT MENYAMBUT RAMADHAN <3 p="">
Suddenly find myself feeling very inadequate fashion-wise. Going to the hospital just really means wearing the most comfortable and close to practical garments. Anything that may help your days go by a little smoother.
At the same time, I obviously have lesser chances of going out. Lesser opportunities to experiment with clothes and shoes and ultimately killed my appetite for more new clothings/look. That's very fine for my bank account but at one point this stagnance is dreadful and suffocating. I want to wear pretty clothessssss :((( and feel pretty :/
I miss my heels and dresses!
and good looking kebaya, and make ups!
This morning I spent some time looking at old pictures thinking, how did I do it. How was it that at that time, I felt so gorgeous, confident and amazing with how I carry myself?
But I really dont wanna be gorgeous in the hospital. Just wanna be plain ol person. That's the problem.
I think, I'm gonna start explore all those muslimah boutiques at bbu and maybe come up with a fresh, pretty but me looks that I may experiment and play around with.
Yes. This is a declaration for a shopping spree!!! :D
but, will probably have to wait after raya (maybe? maybe not?) because think I have a few things to spend on this Ramadhan and raya (this year first time giving duit raya -_-)
but but, maybe i'll actually grab that cotton flowery dress.. and that cream with black lace shawl. yup2, that's it ;P
ok bye2.
p/s : things at hospital are as good as they're able to be. still working on the enthusiasm though? kbye
SELAMAT MENYAMBUT RAMADHAN <3 p="">
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Marathon post
Finallyyyy... want to do the marathon post! ;) This is gonna take a while. (about 2 weeks!)
I'm gonna go through much more on the preparation compared to the race itself because honestly THAT'S the huge part of the marathon. So please don't get bored it's really quite informative. hehe :D
The run was in March so it was perfect! I'd still have time to train (it was Nov-Dec when I discovered) and it's in the middle of the semester (Jan-June). Something refreshing outside of medicine and studying, to force me out and go workout. Plus, I'd have like a benchmark, like after this marathon, it's time to shut the door, curtains, shove off everyone and everything and ace that finalsss!!! lol (kill me)
you bet this is how it looks like for most of us almost every day
Like I said, I didn't join many running events, only twice before. A 7km Newton Challenge and 10km Penang Bridge Marathon. After Penang Marathon in Nov 2014, I was eagerly looking for another running event (runners will understand. hehe) and MWM being in March, I'd have like 4 months to prepare with a decent background stamina from the previous training. I wanted to challenge myself and step up to 21 km, the half marathon. But.... then... I was just so in love with the medal, the fact that it's 'silver' for half marathon and 'gold' for full marathon, my ego just had to reconsider. lol.
Plus the fee was not that much different anyway. Anddd the vest for full marathon is purple, I just love that purple colour (plus ego boost ;D).**but ended up getting the same boring white colour vest anyway.
What finally pushed me was the souvenir for 42km finisher, a runner's dress with MWM flowery design. I never had something like that, it covers the bum and perfect for running and I just thought to myself seeeriously tutup mata just sign up for a full marathon and train my hardest, because if I don't, I'm sure I'll regret it. Also, I thought to myself, if I don't do this now, I might not have the chance to do this later, being a houseman and all,or maybe, ever! Who knows what the future holds right? So I decided to take my chance here and now!
the runner's dress
That saying, you can expect, it's a one woman journey. I invited my friends but obviously they're not crazy enough to do a full marathon, they just registered for the fun run. Of course MWM is very proactive in providing so many clinics and running sessions but I just can't afford them, financially and physically. I even asked my brother to sponsor my run because I felt RM88 being a final year, car-using student is a lot.. and he agreed and only asked me to credit him. haha. Plus I'd have to fit in so many things in my schedule I just have to be content with training alone. Being a first-timer, no partner, no other friend who's done a full marathon, welp! It's just me and google then!
Actually the first month I totally bailed on training (bad move). So I'm left with 3 months to train (BIG mistake for first-timer you'll see later). So you can imagine me frantically googling for the best, fastest way and all. But I started off using the NIKE Run App.
There's a Coach section where you enter your target (42km marathon) and date and it will arrange for you a running schedule. It gave me a warning, said it should be a minimum of 4 months to train for 42 km, but being the strong-headed person that I am I want to push through. So it was a pretty bad start because I tried to follow the coach programme and being near to the race it's already arranging for a 5-8 km run where sometimes if not most I cant achieve. But what's even worse is I actually tried to cover my unmet distance the day before and add it up to today's training (noob alert!). like whaaat, of course I cant do that I can't cheat my body. But I didn't know that until much googling later.
I knew roughly from the schedule the Coach thingy provided me that you do alternating long and short runs with very long runs on weekend followed by rest day. Shorter runs faster pace of course. Then I think I was searching on how I can improve my performance when I came across the different paces! gasp! (noob alert!) Beginner runners will understand when I say, we usually run that same pace basking in the gloriness of running with winds sweeping fiercely against your face, hoping somehow you'll get that added distance one day if u just consistently run day after day. Well, that's not how it works. Maybe, but not a very effective way to do it.
This is another reason why a running app is useful. Not just Nike app, whatever app you like. I thought I was slow already but apparently, if I'm not hitting my target distance before I get tired, that means I'm going too fast. My usual running pace is 8.5/km (that's not very fast). I'd have to multiply that by 1 point something (sorry I forgot where I found it) and my pace should be like 9.3/km. That's a slow jog pace! Which basically means... I can't run yet.. I need to jog first *cries*. You'd be surprised at how difficult it is to slow yourself down. Tapi kena sabar la. Ada sekali tu sampai siap kena tegur, 'hai ni joging ke berjalan?' Sibuk je org joging pun nak kacau sHJg%&^*^9gJHG(&5
That was such a performance-changing revelation that I decided to spend the day 'studying' on paces, instead of my Surgery textbooks. hehe. So here is, VERY IMPORTANT training information. There are basically 3 paces you need to shuffle between:
1. Fast pace : about 85-90% effort. Short runs. This builds the body's anaerobic ability, trains the body to clear up the lactic acid more efficiently, stuff like that. Basically this run pushes up your fitness level. TIP: Must not be able to utter a single word while at this pace
2. Slow pace: Long runs. This one is to build endurance, meaning that you can run longer without getting tired quickly and your body and muscles are able to cope with running long distance, long hours without them getting injured TIP: Should be able to have a conversation comfortably at this pace.
3. Race pace: They say race pace because it's the pace you're going to use to reach target time during your race but I just consider it as the in-between pace. TIP: Should be able to say 'pace okay' and no more
bored yet? heheh
In Nike run app the suggested days for running is 5, with one day for cross training (that's anything else besides running) and one rest day. Along the way, I just find myself not being able to meet the target distance a lot of times for multiple factors, like being super tired that day, too many classes etc. I just think that the app does not consider human factor so after i learned about the paces I just followed my own target distance, guided by the app's target, and just made sure that every run is better than before.
Besides showing distance, time and pace, another useful feature that nobody has ever told me was the smiley faces. I would record how I felt after each run. Sometimes I'd run 8km and feel amazing, sometimes I'd run 4km and get super groggy and tired. The former is telling me that I'm well and can maybe do more the next time, and the latter telling me, girl, you need a break. And the next day will be rest day. Gotta listen to your body ;)
You can see at first I didn't record the smiley faces but then I started to for every run.
I monitor my performance through the smiley faces and especially by looking at my pace. and distance of course. and time (basically everything! :P)
And after studying my whole running pattern (which is why keeping track of runs is amazing) I discovered that my body works best if I rest after each run. I come back so much stronger and better than if I do a continuous run. So eventually I only did 3-4 runs each week. More productive, less tiring and overall effective! This is why you'll need to end up personalising your training.
I also try to curi2 masa and do strength training. This is mostly youtube workout videos. I'd focus more on core and back workouts. Lower body, of course, but very tricky since I'm using them all the time so gotta find time when I'm not straining them too much. Why strength training? To build muscle and also to augment my running performance. More muscle=more glycogen store=better hope at surviving :P Also more stability and lesser chance for injury.
It was seeeeriously tiringggg. Final semester, every end of rotation ada exam ;( So was quite stressful. Everyday I would bring down with me 2 bags and one huge textbook in my hand. One bag for class (which is heavy with laptop and all), another one is gym bag (change of clothes, foods) sebab after class and after Asar I'll go straight to Youth Park to jog, or to the gym to save time. Whenever I had free time in between classes or if I finish off early I'd sit in the library to revise. I got out of the house around 7.30 am, and would only arrive home at around 7.30 pm. (Doctor's life much?) Balik, revise some more, prepare tutorial or case, kemas beg and prepare foods untuk esok and try to sleep before 12.
Selalu jugak I'd have cortisol crisis (skeati je ntah la apa namanya). Suddenly woken up feeling fresh but body is still super tired and can't fall back asleep. Yes very stressful. If I strain my body too much I'd get that cortisol spike. Insomnia? yes that too.
You said it sista!
The last week, race week tu, I was already pushing my study away a bit and just wanted to get done and over with the marathon -__- Sayur sayurr! Lembik. I was literally pushing my books away. haha. Masetu tengah buat Orthopaedics plak tu. Laagilah takde mood nak study. haha. People would be amazed when they see me so eagerly studying in the library, but I just have to because I chose this, and I need to prove that this is not gonna affect my studies. (Not to mention I'm gonna get into so much trouble if I dont! Like failing, having to answer to my parents, side eyes from the colleagues..haha) People won't respect you if you can't balance priorities.
The last 2 weeks of training I started to focus more on the race itself. I learn about glycogen stores and even tried to do glycogen depletion but that didn't really work out for me. It's essentially trying to drain your glycogen (sugar) level down to so low your body stimulates to produce more capacity to hold more glycogen the next time you take in food(in the liver or the muscles). Why, because glycogen is fuellll. When glycogen depletes, that's when you 'hit the wall'. That's when your body totally gave in and you just want to stop, not do anything and sleep. Though I think that happens more to male runners. I think because essentially, women has a protective instinct (mmg pandai2 je), we tend to not outrun our capacity. So we tend to still unconsciously reserve some along the way, if you get what i mean. I honestly have never read any article about 'hitting the wall' by a female runner.
I did a lot of googling trying to picture the race day and anticipate problems that may arise (which what motivates me to write this post), at the same time trying to calm down both nerves and excitement. A full marathon is different from half marathons or 10 km runs because your body can only store glycogen that will last around 2 plus hours. Unless you are really fast and aiming for the top prizes you definitely have to refuel.
A lot of people eat bananas or chocolates plus I read on someone's blog they prepare bananas for runners at the water stations. Personally, I don't like eating bananas while running, they make me feel thirsty, and I chew like a damn turtle (slowww). At first I wanted to go for snickers (coz I love em, my main refuelling snacks) but I tried eating them on an empty stomach (which is why you need to try everything first) and I think chocolate gave me stomach aches in the morning (plus i chew like a damn turtle). So I prefer the simplest most effective refuelling agent and came across the power gel. hahah!
They are simple sugars, have sodium to replenish salt lost in sweats and most importantly they don't need to be chewed. They have like 20 something grams of sugar. 1 gram of sugar will take about 1 minute to be used by the body (something like that). So 1 pack of the power gel will help me fuel for about 20 something minutes. Because they are so expensive, I figured these will give me energy for about half an hour, another half an hour I can get sugars form the revive drinks that they'll serve because, what's amazing about MWM is that they have water stations every 2 km if I'm not mistaken. So one for each hour, i bought 6 packs (the hours I target to finish). They taste pretty good, sweet and a little salty, but you'll need to drink plain water with it cause it's quite thick.
Experience from previous runs are also useful. I get very thirsty easily, and I can't drink water a lot at once because I'd have my stomach full of water I'll vomit. So I figured I'm gonna need to carry my own water bottle so that I can take little sips. I'm gonna need to buy those belt bag thingies with little bottles. Also, I'll finish about 10 somthing in the morning, by that time the sun will be up already and sun in your face can be really stressful and tiring. So I figured I need to have a cap. haha. (It's a need okay seriously). I ran with seluar aerobik once, you know the thick-ish butt-hugging pants, my thigh felt like it was burningggg because the heat can't come out and the sweat don't dry very quickly. It was very uncomfortable! So I need (lol) a running pants. The material is lightweight and they absorb sweat so that they can dry.
Finally I did carb loading. I don't know how far that worked but at this point I just wanna have all the preparations I can get my hands on. They say it's not really proven but carb loading is pretty traditional almost everyone does it in the hope that it helps. Carb loading phase isn't stuffing your face phase where you just eat more of all the carbs you see. You take the same amount of calories you take on a daily basis (mine is 2700kcal) but change the the carb:protein:fat ratio. Normally it's 60:25:15 % for me but while carb-loading it becomes 80:10:10 %. That means, jams instead of peanut butter, juices instead of milk, potatoes instead of chicken and I was just gulping on 1 L twister orange and 1 bottle of low fat yoghurt drink PER DAY to meet those allowance. I felt so empty -_-. I did carb loading 3 days prior to race. I use fitness pal app to keep track of my food and calories.
Hmm what else, the day before the run, we went to trace the running tracks, naik kereta lah, just to have an idea of the road, uphills, downhills, and I was quite scareeed to see a lot of low-sloping uphills but then they were quite balanced. I'd slow down my pace while going uphill and balas balik while going downhill lah. I don't really go faster I just extend my legs longer, I try to keep pretty much the same pace. Planning a strategy hmmm...
That night half an hour before sleep I had a large meal. I slept quite late, past 12 am, when I should have slept wayyy earlier but nevermind. So much to do.
YESSS! So nervous! Woke up after like 3 plus hours of sleep, showered, and put on my well prepared running outfit *smug~* haha. So excited! I have like a bread or something I can't remember but something light, and we were already rushing and I had to put on my socks in the car. I've only noticed AFTER the whole marathon that I've put it on poorly one side was over my pants, so selekeh... but well! I've arrived and people are almost finishing their warm up on the stage, I just did it on my own because I just felt so awkward. Everyone seemed to have a group, a pacer (most likely boyfriend, husband, friend, whatever lol) and there I was, awkward and looking for my own space at 4.30 in the morning.
A few minutes after warm up, we were called behind the starting point, and a few minutes after, START. I can't believe I forgot to set up my earphone and everything. I've spent like a whole day arranging songs into my phone to listen to while running. So the first few minutes I was casually WALKING trying to set myself up. haha. Takpelah, wasn't really aiming for the time anyways.
Obviously at 4.30 am it's pretty chilled and dark but was very happening nevertheless. After 1 km we already had to climb up like a flyover and I got so nervous. I can't be climbing so much I have like another 40 km to tread T_T. I got over my nervousness (haha) after 5 km or so and started to maintain a good pace. At about km6 I ran past the 6Hours pacers. So far so good, just need to maintain this pace, make sure the pacers don't run past me and I'll finish under 6 hours.
After 30 minutes I opened up my first power gel. I wasn't really hungry or tired but I shouldn't wait until my body get into hunger phase to start refuelling. Like I've read, MWM really provided water stations about every 2 km. Bravo! I made sure I drink revive at all water stations because revive has sugar and salt to replenish my energy stores. I also had plenty of chances to refill my water bottles with COLD water. Neat. They also provide bananas and at one station they gave one power gel each. Super neat!
Along the way the MWM people will cheer us on, saying things like "you're doing great!, good job!" and stuff like that. I just wished I wasn't so awkward, alone or nervous to enjoy all those cheers. haha. Basically along the way I just made sure I keep my pace so that I breathe comfortably, slowed down a bit if I felt like panting and tried to 'catch up' on my pace every time I find myself going downhill.
Also, I find myself following my chosen 'pacers'. lol. It's some people I see going about the same pace I'm going and I let them run in front of me so I can follow their footsteps so I don't get too bored. haha. Most of the time it's this one young chinese lady :P
Anyways the first half of the marathon I had more motivation because I had to rush to a petrol station near the starting point for Subuh. After the first half my legs started to ache. Ouch -_-! Bad news... but nothing I can do but keep putting one step in front of another.
The day started to get hotter too. A lot of people are already walking and I see some people with pacers with the male looking tired and the lady still trying to jog. I thought to myself, 'mcm ni baik lari sendiri'. hahaha. Some pacers don't really interact with their pacee too. Hmm.. I've become more convinced that my choice to not use a pacer was correct. You see, because a lot of people train together, and they apply for pacers and I often question myself during training, am I going to need them. I made the decision not to because I've been training by myself anyway takut dgn orang tak kenal tiba2 dia push lain mcm kang.
I put on my cap properly (sebelum ni letak atas kepala je). By the way I didn't like the way my water bottle was bouncing in my pouch (lol) so I carried them in my hand all the way. Alternating between slow sipping and slow eating my power gel.
Gosh...the last 10 km was the longest, toughest, most arduous 10 km of my life! I've stopped sucking on my power gels or refuelling in any way because I was so in pain, and I just wanted to get to the finish line. erghhh. I'm dreading downhills now because stomping down are even more painful on my knees, thighs and butt. (TRULY, I AM UNDERTRAINED) Actually, it's hard to admit it, but I was already injured. I think I kinda underestimated a full marathon. I thought I could beat this with sheer hobbits' perseverence. It did got me through, but not without a price.
7kms left, the 6 hour pacers ran past me (Nooooo). By this time I was already struggling to continue jog. They jogged past me and told me to keep running. "After the finish line then you can stop. 7 km onlyyyy." wow wooww. 7 km only. Woww. haha. Haiyoo cakap senangggg. But I tried and I tried. The streets are getting busier, some of the roads already opened. Even more weird to struggle when you're running just beside the passing cars.
4 km left. Ada plak brader cute jaga jalan kat simpang. Dia bagi semangat ja kat suma orang. Sampai kat aku dia tunjuk jari dia empat and sungguh-sungguh cakap kat aku, "4km je lagiiii, 4 je lagiiii!!" aku pun tersengih-sengih ckp thank you. hihi. Dahlah comel. What tu du. Terpaksa sambung lari. haha. Ergghhh tapi mmg tak larat hoi. Tak lama lepas tu jalan balik. Lepastu ada lagi org dari belakang naik motor, "go go gooooo" sampai sebelah aku, "you can do itttt!!!" brader jaga jalan jerit kat kitorang bonceng motor. haha. what the hell. So to appreciate his effort, aku pun start lari balik. Kejap je tapi.
Some of the people in the cars on the street cheered for us as well. Oh my god, 1 km lefttt... I was literally dragging my foot in front of another. Cepat laaahh habis. Then I saw the 6 Hour pacers jogging around just before the finish line, waiting for people to cross, I'm guessing they ran too fast. Great! I can still make it under 6 hours....andddd......finish line!!!!
I already asked Mariam to wait for me around that time to take my picture. Haha. Ada org kata muka aku nampak tak penat. Actually it's not very tiring, because I keep my pace within aerobic capacity, I breath comfortably, I refuelled, but my whole legs hurt like hell!
I almost instantly tried to find somewhere to sit to stretch my legs out. But it was kinda too late, this pain was beyond stretching. haha. I asked Mariam if she can fetch me something to eat or drink from the booths but saddddly, all the booths have closed! At 10.30 pm. I felt so disappointed. I wasn't THAT slow. I felt like I at least deserve a cup of juice, or milo if tak dapat rasa makanan2 pun.. So sad. Should have brought something to eat post-run.
Then I went to take my runner's dress... The design was different from the picture. It was okay, but the purple colour was weird. Had i known the cutting and material of the 'dress' I would have ordered for L size. I wouldn't use this for running ever. Haha. Everything shows. I heard the ladies all around saying, "buat baju tidur jelahh..." but it's an awkward length for me because I'm tall and I'd still need to wear at least a boxer with the dress, so... might as well just wear a shirt or singlet with a boxer why bother the dress. Was pretty disappointed about that too.
From the picture I thought the medal was metal, like a military tag, that's why I thought it was so cool, and to have a distinct gold colour for a full marathon, what a motivation to go straight for a full marathon. What a disappointment it is to find that it's just a lightweight plastic...that peeled off a week after the marathon... I wanted to cry... because it's my first full marathon...haha. Basically all the motivations that drove me to register for a full marathon in the first place was not fulfilled. ALL of it.
All in all, the run itself was great to try and run a full or even a half marathon for a beginner. The environment was supportive, and there's not that much intimidation from male runners or anything. (or weird stuff, what weird stuff I dont really know how to say but weird stuff usually comes from male runners).
Eww. okay. I did ice-bathed my legs, it helped a bit by numbing down the ache and stiffness, I massaged minyak angin on my legs and went to sleep. Woke up to super stiffness again, massaged my legs some more and kemas-kemas barang to go back to Penang. It's just a bit inconvenient doing a run on a Sunday. Almost half the nation can't join because it's working day for some states and there's not enough time to recover before going back to work, or in my case, class.
I can't believe I ran a 42 km, and the same afternoon DROVE all the way from Shah Alam to Penang. I reached Penang at about 10 pm, got ready for class tomorrow (good thing I only have to prepare one bag now!) and went to sleep.
The next few days was pretty amazing. I was pretty proud of myself because people were telling me how inspiring I was and how amazing it is to have done a full marathon. hehe. Some called me a 'superwoman'. Not to brag or anything, but I get called that quite a few times in my life. ;)
The pain continued on for some time especially on both of my knees. The muscle aches subsided after a week of constant massaging, but the knee pain persisted. I was almost scared I got a super early osteoarthritis like come onnn that's a degenerative disease old people gets it I'm not that old yet. My friends were also concerned because I complained about my knee hurting every now and then especially when it's cold, it stings. Ouch.
After a while, I managed to pinpoint the location of the pain and I think I've got myself patellar tendinopathy aka jumper's knee. I rested my leg from running for 6 months and more. haha. Also considering the fact that I'm super busy with finals. So now, after almost a year, there's still some pain but I can still run. A major lesson to myself: I must not underestimate long runs. I must do my weekend long runs. The 25kms, 30kms runs.
I was also a wee bit disappointed (again :P) that I've not a single picture of myself in the MWM facebook page... Maybe they prioritised posting people who actually wears the MWM vest, or people who wears fancy costumes, people in groups.. but... I paid the same fees.. lol. It kinda does felt like a woman's event. If you don't belong in a herd, you're pretty much invisible. hahaha. Okay maybe it's just me but seriously hundreds of pictures but mostly the same people.
Wowwwww! I finally did it! My marathon post! I already gave up so many times, can't believe I've actually, finally written it all down!! Haha! I really learned a lot, so sooo much from this one simple journey.
After the run, like I promised myself, I shut myself from anything and everything. I still go to the gym ever now and then, strength training, cuci mata (lol!). I focused 100 percent on finals and tried very hard not to fail (which I did anyway, ortho, go figure).
Hope it wasn't too boring! :)
I'm gonna go through much more on the preparation compared to the race itself because honestly THAT'S the huge part of the marathon. So please don't get bored it's really quite informative. hehe :D
THE BEGINNING
Actually I wasn't very interested in joining too much running events because I thought it's just seriously money-making and I don't really get excited over collecting medals. Mostly only for self-satisfaction. I saw the poster on someone's twitter and I thought, heyy this is interesting, you know, an all women's run. Girl power and stuff and the poster was pretty too.
The run was in March so it was perfect! I'd still have time to train (it was Nov-Dec when I discovered) and it's in the middle of the semester (Jan-June). Something refreshing outside of medicine and studying, to force me out and go workout. Plus, I'd have like a benchmark, like after this marathon, it's time to shut the door, curtains, shove off everyone and everything and ace that finalsss!!! lol (kill me)
Like I said, I didn't join many running events, only twice before. A 7km Newton Challenge and 10km Penang Bridge Marathon. After Penang Marathon in Nov 2014, I was eagerly looking for another running event (runners will understand. hehe) and MWM being in March, I'd have like 4 months to prepare with a decent background stamina from the previous training. I wanted to challenge myself and step up to 21 km, the half marathon. But.... then... I was just so in love with the medal, the fact that it's 'silver' for half marathon and 'gold' for full marathon, my ego just had to reconsider. lol.
Plus the fee was not that much different anyway. Anddd the vest for full marathon is purple, I just love that purple colour (plus ego boost ;D).**but ended up getting the same boring white colour vest anyway.
What finally pushed me was the souvenir for 42km finisher, a runner's dress with MWM flowery design. I never had something like that, it covers the bum and perfect for running and I just thought to myself seeeriously tutup mata just sign up for a full marathon and train my hardest, because if I don't, I'm sure I'll regret it. Also, I thought to myself, if I don't do this now, I might not have the chance to do this later, being a houseman and all,or maybe, ever! Who knows what the future holds right? So I decided to take my chance here and now!
the runner's dress
You have no idea how many people told me I'm crazy after I told them I signed up to run for 42km. haha. No joke. It was more of a motivation for me though instead of getting dicouraged because I just can't wait to see the look on their faces when I emerge victorious to class the day after the marathon. hehe. Though sometimes it was quite frustrating when people say it as though I'm just inviting problem for myself. Some people don't see it like I do, a personal challenge, my one chance. In fact, as though it is something unnecessary especially since my finals is near. (Well they do have their point but I honestly can't afford a strict 6 months study marathon!)
That saying, you can expect, it's a one woman journey. I invited my friends but obviously they're not crazy enough to do a full marathon, they just registered for the fun run. Of course MWM is very proactive in providing so many clinics and running sessions but I just can't afford them, financially and physically. I even asked my brother to sponsor my run because I felt RM88 being a final year, car-using student is a lot.. and he agreed and only asked me to credit him. haha. Plus I'd have to fit in so many things in my schedule I just have to be content with training alone. Being a first-timer, no partner, no other friend who's done a full marathon, welp! It's just me and google then!
ACTUALLY RUNNING TRAINING
Actually the first month I totally bailed on training (bad move). So I'm left with 3 months to train (BIG mistake for first-timer you'll see later). So you can imagine me frantically googling for the best, fastest way and all. But I started off using the NIKE Run App.
There's a Coach section where you enter your target (42km marathon) and date and it will arrange for you a running schedule. It gave me a warning, said it should be a minimum of 4 months to train for 42 km, but being the strong-headed person that I am I want to push through. So it was a pretty bad start because I tried to follow the coach programme and being near to the race it's already arranging for a 5-8 km run where sometimes if not most I cant achieve. But what's even worse is I actually tried to cover my unmet distance the day before and add it up to today's training (noob alert!). like whaaat, of course I cant do that I can't cheat my body. But I didn't know that until much googling later.
Only 7 weeks of serious training, so guilty T_T. See, first week already arranging me for 26 km run and I only managed 10.
I knew roughly from the schedule the Coach thingy provided me that you do alternating long and short runs with very long runs on weekend followed by rest day. Shorter runs faster pace of course. Then I think I was searching on how I can improve my performance when I came across the different paces! gasp! (noob alert!) Beginner runners will understand when I say, we usually run that same pace basking in the gloriness of running with winds sweeping fiercely against your face, hoping somehow you'll get that added distance one day if u just consistently run day after day. Well, that's not how it works. Maybe, but not a very effective way to do it.
This is another reason why a running app is useful. Not just Nike app, whatever app you like. I thought I was slow already but apparently, if I'm not hitting my target distance before I get tired, that means I'm going too fast. My usual running pace is 8.5/km (that's not very fast). I'd have to multiply that by 1 point something (sorry I forgot where I found it) and my pace should be like 9.3/km. That's a slow jog pace! Which basically means... I can't run yet.. I need to jog first *cries*. You'd be surprised at how difficult it is to slow yourself down. Tapi kena sabar la. Ada sekali tu sampai siap kena tegur, 'hai ni joging ke berjalan?' Sibuk je org joging pun nak kacau sHJg%&^*^9gJHG(&5
That was such a performance-changing revelation that I decided to spend the day 'studying' on paces, instead of my Surgery textbooks. hehe. So here is, VERY IMPORTANT training information. There are basically 3 paces you need to shuffle between:
1. Fast pace : about 85-90% effort. Short runs. This builds the body's anaerobic ability, trains the body to clear up the lactic acid more efficiently, stuff like that. Basically this run pushes up your fitness level. TIP: Must not be able to utter a single word while at this pace
2. Slow pace: Long runs. This one is to build endurance, meaning that you can run longer without getting tired quickly and your body and muscles are able to cope with running long distance, long hours without them getting injured TIP: Should be able to have a conversation comfortably at this pace.
3. Race pace: They say race pace because it's the pace you're going to use to reach target time during your race but I just consider it as the in-between pace. TIP: Should be able to say 'pace okay' and no more
bored yet? heheh
In Nike run app the suggested days for running is 5, with one day for cross training (that's anything else besides running) and one rest day. Along the way, I just find myself not being able to meet the target distance a lot of times for multiple factors, like being super tired that day, too many classes etc. I just think that the app does not consider human factor so after i learned about the paces I just followed my own target distance, guided by the app's target, and just made sure that every run is better than before.
Besides showing distance, time and pace, another useful feature that nobody has ever told me was the smiley faces. I would record how I felt after each run. Sometimes I'd run 8km and feel amazing, sometimes I'd run 4km and get super groggy and tired. The former is telling me that I'm well and can maybe do more the next time, and the latter telling me, girl, you need a break. And the next day will be rest day. Gotta listen to your body ;)
You can see at first I didn't record the smiley faces but then I started to for every run.
I monitor my performance through the smiley faces and especially by looking at my pace. and distance of course. and time (basically everything! :P)
And after studying my whole running pattern (which is why keeping track of runs is amazing) I discovered that my body works best if I rest after each run. I come back so much stronger and better than if I do a continuous run. So eventually I only did 3-4 runs each week. More productive, less tiring and overall effective! This is why you'll need to end up personalising your training.
I also try to curi2 masa and do strength training. This is mostly youtube workout videos. I'd focus more on core and back workouts. Lower body, of course, but very tricky since I'm using them all the time so gotta find time when I'm not straining them too much. Why strength training? To build muscle and also to augment my running performance. More muscle=more glycogen store=better hope at surviving :P Also more stability and lesser chance for injury.
My last run before rest and carb loading pre-race
LIVING, STUDYING, TRAINING
Selalu jugak I'd have cortisol crisis (skeati je ntah la apa namanya). Suddenly woken up feeling fresh but body is still super tired and can't fall back asleep. Yes very stressful. If I strain my body too much I'd get that cortisol spike. Insomnia? yes that too.
The last week, race week tu, I was already pushing my study away a bit and just wanted to get done and over with the marathon -__- Sayur sayurr! Lembik. I was literally pushing my books away. haha. Masetu tengah buat Orthopaedics plak tu. Laagilah takde mood nak study. haha. People would be amazed when they see me so eagerly studying in the library, but I just have to because I chose this, and I need to prove that this is not gonna affect my studies. (Not to mention I'm gonna get into so much trouble if I dont! Like failing, having to answer to my parents, side eyes from the colleagues..haha) People won't respect you if you can't balance priorities.
RACE PREP
The last 2 weeks of training I started to focus more on the race itself. I learn about glycogen stores and even tried to do glycogen depletion but that didn't really work out for me. It's essentially trying to drain your glycogen (sugar) level down to so low your body stimulates to produce more capacity to hold more glycogen the next time you take in food(in the liver or the muscles). Why, because glycogen is fuellll. When glycogen depletes, that's when you 'hit the wall'. That's when your body totally gave in and you just want to stop, not do anything and sleep. Though I think that happens more to male runners. I think because essentially, women has a protective instinct (mmg pandai2 je), we tend to not outrun our capacity. So we tend to still unconsciously reserve some along the way, if you get what i mean. I honestly have never read any article about 'hitting the wall' by a female runner.
I did a lot of googling trying to picture the race day and anticipate problems that may arise (which what motivates me to write this post), at the same time trying to calm down both nerves and excitement. A full marathon is different from half marathons or 10 km runs because your body can only store glycogen that will last around 2 plus hours. Unless you are really fast and aiming for the top prizes you definitely have to refuel.
A lot of people eat bananas or chocolates plus I read on someone's blog they prepare bananas for runners at the water stations. Personally, I don't like eating bananas while running, they make me feel thirsty, and I chew like a damn turtle (slowww). At first I wanted to go for snickers (coz I love em, my main refuelling snacks) but I tried eating them on an empty stomach (which is why you need to try everything first) and I think chocolate gave me stomach aches in the morning (plus i chew like a damn turtle). So I prefer the simplest most effective refuelling agent and came across the power gel. hahah!
These babies cost RM7 each (-_-!) but it's perfect!
They are simple sugars, have sodium to replenish salt lost in sweats and most importantly they don't need to be chewed. They have like 20 something grams of sugar. 1 gram of sugar will take about 1 minute to be used by the body (something like that). So 1 pack of the power gel will help me fuel for about 20 something minutes. Because they are so expensive, I figured these will give me energy for about half an hour, another half an hour I can get sugars form the revive drinks that they'll serve because, what's amazing about MWM is that they have water stations every 2 km if I'm not mistaken. So one for each hour, i bought 6 packs (the hours I target to finish). They taste pretty good, sweet and a little salty, but you'll need to drink plain water with it cause it's quite thick.
I sure did my homework. I did TONNES of research especially food-wise. This was me counting carbs (my main nutrient). I was already on a weight gaining diet before I signed up for the marathon. But running and weight-gaining conflicts each other so I dropped my weight gain programme. I took supplement (true mass), the easiest way to get 900 calories without feeling full. I was counting on how I can meet my daily nutrient allowance with cheap, easily prepared food without having to eat A LOT. (cause eating takes time and effort)
Experience from previous runs are also useful. I get very thirsty easily, and I can't drink water a lot at once because I'd have my stomach full of water I'll vomit. So I figured I'm gonna need to carry my own water bottle so that I can take little sips. I'm gonna need to buy those belt bag thingies with little bottles. Also, I'll finish about 10 somthing in the morning, by that time the sun will be up already and sun in your face can be really stressful and tiring. So I figured I need to have a cap. haha. (It's a need okay seriously). I ran with seluar aerobik once, you know the thick-ish butt-hugging pants, my thigh felt like it was burningggg because the heat can't come out and the sweat don't dry very quickly. It was very uncomfortable! So I need (lol) a running pants. The material is lightweight and they absorb sweat so that they can dry.
I tried looking for a running skirt (to cover my bum2 since I'll be wearing those skinny-like pants) but they are all pretty expensive. Found my mum's swimming skirt in her wardrobe, so tutup mata, belasah aje laaa. Janji selesa nak lari. Socks, running socks cost about RM17 BUT it was totally worth it. It grips in the middle and pads the balls of the feet and the soles. I know for sure I was not really ready, so for safety measures, I bought knee guards for each leg just for protection. huhuhu T_T See? I need all the preparations I need to survive because by this time I was soooo cuak! I felt like I'm not ready.
Finally I did carb loading. I don't know how far that worked but at this point I just wanna have all the preparations I can get my hands on. They say it's not really proven but carb loading is pretty traditional almost everyone does it in the hope that it helps. Carb loading phase isn't stuffing your face phase where you just eat more of all the carbs you see. You take the same amount of calories you take on a daily basis (mine is 2700kcal) but change the the carb:protein:fat ratio. Normally it's 60:25:15 % for me but while carb-loading it becomes 80:10:10 %. That means, jams instead of peanut butter, juices instead of milk, potatoes instead of chicken and I was just gulping on 1 L twister orange and 1 bottle of low fat yoghurt drink PER DAY to meet those allowance. I felt so empty -_-. I did carb loading 3 days prior to race. I use fitness pal app to keep track of my food and calories.
What happens if I become lazy and eat fried food. 51% fat. Can't counter that ratio with any (healthy) amount of carbs or proteins.
Hmm what else, the day before the run, we went to trace the running tracks, naik kereta lah, just to have an idea of the road, uphills, downhills, and I was quite scareeed to see a lot of low-sloping uphills but then they were quite balanced. I'd slow down my pace while going uphill and balas balik while going downhill lah. I don't really go faster I just extend my legs longer, I try to keep pretty much the same pace. Planning a strategy hmmm...
That night half an hour before sleep I had a large meal. I slept quite late, past 12 am, when I should have slept wayyy earlier but nevermind. So much to do.
RACE DAY!!!
Race pack. I love the bag, it was both pretty AND functional. As you can see, the vest is white, but pretty nevertheless. FM FM FM FM (full marathon) 42 42 42. hahaha :P
YESSS! So nervous! Woke up after like 3 plus hours of sleep, showered, and put on my well prepared running outfit *smug~* haha. So excited! I have like a bread or something I can't remember but something light, and we were already rushing and I had to put on my socks in the car. I've only noticed AFTER the whole marathon that I've put it on poorly one side was over my pants, so selekeh... but well! I've arrived and people are almost finishing their warm up on the stage, I just did it on my own because I just felt so awkward. Everyone seemed to have a group, a pacer (most likely boyfriend, husband, friend, whatever lol) and there I was, awkward and looking for my own space at 4.30 in the morning.
A few minutes after warm up, we were called behind the starting point, and a few minutes after, START. I can't believe I forgot to set up my earphone and everything. I've spent like a whole day arranging songs into my phone to listen to while running. So the first few minutes I was casually WALKING trying to set myself up. haha. Takpelah, wasn't really aiming for the time anyways.
Obviously at 4.30 am it's pretty chilled and dark but was very happening nevertheless. After 1 km we already had to climb up like a flyover and I got so nervous. I can't be climbing so much I have like another 40 km to tread T_T. I got over my nervousness (haha) after 5 km or so and started to maintain a good pace. At about km6 I ran past the 6Hours pacers. So far so good, just need to maintain this pace, make sure the pacers don't run past me and I'll finish under 6 hours.
After 30 minutes I opened up my first power gel. I wasn't really hungry or tired but I shouldn't wait until my body get into hunger phase to start refuelling. Like I've read, MWM really provided water stations about every 2 km. Bravo! I made sure I drink revive at all water stations because revive has sugar and salt to replenish my energy stores. I also had plenty of chances to refill my water bottles with COLD water. Neat. They also provide bananas and at one station they gave one power gel each. Super neat!
Along the way the MWM people will cheer us on, saying things like "you're doing great!, good job!" and stuff like that. I just wished I wasn't so awkward, alone or nervous to enjoy all those cheers. haha. Basically along the way I just made sure I keep my pace so that I breathe comfortably, slowed down a bit if I felt like panting and tried to 'catch up' on my pace every time I find myself going downhill.
Also, I find myself following my chosen 'pacers'. lol. It's some people I see going about the same pace I'm going and I let them run in front of me so I can follow their footsteps so I don't get too bored. haha. Most of the time it's this one young chinese lady :P
Anyways the first half of the marathon I had more motivation because I had to rush to a petrol station near the starting point for Subuh. After the first half my legs started to ache. Ouch -_-! Bad news... but nothing I can do but keep putting one step in front of another.
At 21 km. So proud of myself T_T
I know the tudung is so selekeh but I just want the thinnest tudung. haha
The day started to get hotter too. A lot of people are already walking and I see some people with pacers with the male looking tired and the lady still trying to jog. I thought to myself, 'mcm ni baik lari sendiri'. hahaha. Some pacers don't really interact with their pacee too. Hmm.. I've become more convinced that my choice to not use a pacer was correct. You see, because a lot of people train together, and they apply for pacers and I often question myself during training, am I going to need them. I made the decision not to because I've been training by myself anyway takut dgn orang tak kenal tiba2 dia push lain mcm kang.
I put on my cap properly (sebelum ni letak atas kepala je). By the way I didn't like the way my water bottle was bouncing in my pouch (lol) so I carried them in my hand all the way. Alternating between slow sipping and slow eating my power gel.
Yeah.. it was pretty lonely... lol
Gosh...the last 10 km was the longest, toughest, most arduous 10 km of my life! I've stopped sucking on my power gels or refuelling in any way because I was so in pain, and I just wanted to get to the finish line. erghhh. I'm dreading downhills now because stomping down are even more painful on my knees, thighs and butt. (TRULY, I AM UNDERTRAINED) Actually, it's hard to admit it, but I was already injured. I think I kinda underestimated a full marathon. I thought I could beat this with sheer hobbits' perseverence. It did got me through, but not without a price.
7kms left, the 6 hour pacers ran past me (Nooooo). By this time I was already struggling to continue jog. They jogged past me and told me to keep running. "After the finish line then you can stop. 7 km onlyyyy." wow wooww. 7 km only. Woww. haha. Haiyoo cakap senangggg. But I tried and I tried. The streets are getting busier, some of the roads already opened. Even more weird to struggle when you're running just beside the passing cars.
4 km left. Ada plak brader cute jaga jalan kat simpang. Dia bagi semangat ja kat suma orang. Sampai kat aku dia tunjuk jari dia empat and sungguh-sungguh cakap kat aku, "4km je lagiiii, 4 je lagiiii!!" aku pun tersengih-sengih ckp thank you. hihi. Dahlah comel. What tu du. Terpaksa sambung lari. haha. Ergghhh tapi mmg tak larat hoi. Tak lama lepas tu jalan balik. Lepastu ada lagi org dari belakang naik motor, "go go gooooo" sampai sebelah aku, "you can do itttt!!!" brader jaga jalan jerit kat kitorang bonceng motor. haha. what the hell. So to appreciate his effort, aku pun start lari balik. Kejap je tapi.
Some of the people in the cars on the street cheered for us as well. Oh my god, 1 km lefttt... I was literally dragging my foot in front of another. Cepat laaahh habis. Then I saw the 6 Hour pacers jogging around just before the finish line, waiting for people to cross, I'm guessing they ran too fast. Great! I can still make it under 6 hours....andddd......finish line!!!!
The 6 Hour pacers behind me with the orange balloons.
I almost instantly tried to find somewhere to sit to stretch my legs out. But it was kinda too late, this pain was beyond stretching. haha. I asked Mariam if she can fetch me something to eat or drink from the booths but saddddly, all the booths have closed! At 10.30 pm. I felt so disappointed. I wasn't THAT slow. I felt like I at least deserve a cup of juice, or milo if tak dapat rasa makanan2 pun.. So sad. Should have brought something to eat post-run.
Then I went to take my runner's dress... The design was different from the picture. It was okay, but the purple colour was weird. Had i known the cutting and material of the 'dress' I would have ordered for L size. I wouldn't use this for running ever. Haha. Everything shows. I heard the ladies all around saying, "buat baju tidur jelahh..." but it's an awkward length for me because I'm tall and I'd still need to wear at least a boxer with the dress, so... might as well just wear a shirt or singlet with a boxer why bother the dress. Was pretty disappointed about that too.
From the picture I thought the medal was metal, like a military tag, that's why I thought it was so cool, and to have a distinct gold colour for a full marathon, what a motivation to go straight for a full marathon. What a disappointment it is to find that it's just a lightweight plastic...that peeled off a week after the marathon... I wanted to cry... because it's my first full marathon...haha. Basically all the motivations that drove me to register for a full marathon in the first place was not fulfilled. ALL of it.
All in all, the run itself was great to try and run a full or even a half marathon for a beginner. The environment was supportive, and there's not that much intimidation from male runners or anything. (or weird stuff, what weird stuff I dont really know how to say but weird stuff usually comes from male runners).
Memang muka sangat tanned masa ni. Can't help it. haha. The ladies were all congratulating each other it was quite uplifting.
POST-RUN
I walked sooo weird, we went to lunch and I can barely walk everything went stiff ;( I was like, oh damn.... what have I done. Nevertheless I was immensely satisfied with myself for having done this. I took off my shoes and I had huge blisters on my little toes, all my nails were tender and I lost one of my little toenail a day or two after. Later on I lost another 6. haha. They just fell off.. I was jut playing with my toes and they lifted off, un-painfully. It took more than 6 months for my toes to look almost normal again especially having large nails.
With one of the 6 hours pacer. I wanted a picture too, everyone was camwhoring but this was the only picture I can think of taking. haha
Eww. okay. I did ice-bathed my legs, it helped a bit by numbing down the ache and stiffness, I massaged minyak angin on my legs and went to sleep. Woke up to super stiffness again, massaged my legs some more and kemas-kemas barang to go back to Penang. It's just a bit inconvenient doing a run on a Sunday. Almost half the nation can't join because it's working day for some states and there's not enough time to recover before going back to work, or in my case, class.
I can't believe I ran a 42 km, and the same afternoon DROVE all the way from Shah Alam to Penang. I reached Penang at about 10 pm, got ready for class tomorrow (good thing I only have to prepare one bag now!) and went to sleep.
The next few days was pretty amazing. I was pretty proud of myself because people were telling me how inspiring I was and how amazing it is to have done a full marathon. hehe. Some called me a 'superwoman'. Not to brag or anything, but I get called that quite a few times in my life. ;)
The pain continued on for some time especially on both of my knees. The muscle aches subsided after a week of constant massaging, but the knee pain persisted. I was almost scared I got a super early osteoarthritis like come onnn that's a degenerative disease old people gets it I'm not that old yet. My friends were also concerned because I complained about my knee hurting every now and then especially when it's cold, it stings. Ouch.
After a while, I managed to pinpoint the location of the pain and I think I've got myself patellar tendinopathy aka jumper's knee. I rested my leg from running for 6 months and more. haha. Also considering the fact that I'm super busy with finals. So now, after almost a year, there's still some pain but I can still run. A major lesson to myself: I must not underestimate long runs. I must do my weekend long runs. The 25kms, 30kms runs.
I was also a wee bit disappointed (again :P) that I've not a single picture of myself in the MWM facebook page... Maybe they prioritised posting people who actually wears the MWM vest, or people who wears fancy costumes, people in groups.. but... I paid the same fees.. lol. It kinda does felt like a woman's event. If you don't belong in a herd, you're pretty much invisible. hahaha. Okay maybe it's just me but seriously hundreds of pictures but mostly the same people.
Woot woot! I did so much better than expected! :D
After the run, like I promised myself, I shut myself from anything and everything. I still go to the gym ever now and then, strength training, cuci mata (lol!). I focused 100 percent on finals and tried very hard not to fail (which I did anyway, ortho, go figure).
Hope it wasn't too boring! :)
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
personality test
Hey I'm just downloading workout videos and it's taking ages because of the internet speed limitation. Best to download them one by one. So am bored and figured I should clean up my dekstop.
I screenshot a personality test on facebook, it was kind of spot on so I liked it. Dunno where else to put it, so here it is:
I think it was a 'what type of introvert are you' kind of test. I liked this because it simply explains the constant swinging of thoughts inside my head, especially the conservative but receptive character. Like I can listen to anything, any ideas willingly, in fact, I love to listen, but don't dare try to force your opinion or view or stand or faith whatever on me.
I'm very generous. I'd sacrifice so much for the people I believe in that's why I get hurt very bad when people betray my trust. and most times I rely too much on emotion, and that's why I easily get hurt yet sometimes people say I'm smart. Well life's a struggle.
So that's all for a short update. ta.
I screenshot a personality test on facebook, it was kind of spot on so I liked it. Dunno where else to put it, so here it is:
I think it was a 'what type of introvert are you' kind of test. I liked this because it simply explains the constant swinging of thoughts inside my head, especially the conservative but receptive character. Like I can listen to anything, any ideas willingly, in fact, I love to listen, but don't dare try to force your opinion or view or stand or faith whatever on me.
I'm very generous. I'd sacrifice so much for the people I believe in that's why I get hurt very bad when people betray my trust. and most times I rely too much on emotion, and that's why I easily get hurt yet sometimes people say I'm smart. Well life's a struggle.
So that's all for a short update. ta.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Finally a Doctor ;)
Just received my degree parchments today. There's a total of 4 of them.
Am feeling a strange sort of fleeting sensation, staring at those parchments. I know it's a cliche thing to say, but all those years of blood, sweat and tears (not really too much of blood I'm very lazy to participate in procedures). Seriously. Finally. A tangible result, accreditation, a milestone, in my two hands...
It's a bit regrettable that I'm only granted these moments in my bedroom, rather than on stage, beaming around family and colleagues, really simmering in the moments but Alhamdulillah. A private moment it is, and I shall share it only privately. InshaaAllah much better than posting to the point of bragging on social media (which I most probably have the tendency to, haha).
Those 5 years, even before medical school, from KMB to Dublin, to Penang. The places I've been blessed to set my foot on, the people I've met and learnt from. The different kinds of struggles, the different kinds of challenges I endured. All those things that matured me. That made me who I am today. The past that haunts that I needed to learn to let go. Learning new skills, socialising. MashaaAllah. My heart's racing as I'm typing this. I once thought to myself, if I were to set foot on Dublin again, I might at the very least cry if not faint from all those memories, bitter and sweet.
All praises belong to Allah, from Him we come and to Him we return.
Yours truly,
Dr. Nur Aisyah ;)
Am feeling a strange sort of fleeting sensation, staring at those parchments. I know it's a cliche thing to say, but all those years of blood, sweat and tears (not really too much of blood I'm very lazy to participate in procedures). Seriously. Finally. A tangible result, accreditation, a milestone, in my two hands...
It's a bit regrettable that I'm only granted these moments in my bedroom, rather than on stage, beaming around family and colleagues, really simmering in the moments but Alhamdulillah. A private moment it is, and I shall share it only privately. InshaaAllah much better than posting to the point of bragging on social media (which I most probably have the tendency to, haha).
Those 5 years, even before medical school, from KMB to Dublin, to Penang. The places I've been blessed to set my foot on, the people I've met and learnt from. The different kinds of struggles, the different kinds of challenges I endured. All those things that matured me. That made me who I am today. The past that haunts that I needed to learn to let go. Learning new skills, socialising. MashaaAllah. My heart's racing as I'm typing this. I once thought to myself, if I were to set foot on Dublin again, I might at the very least cry if not faint from all those memories, bitter and sweet.
All praises belong to Allah, from Him we come and to Him we return.
Yours truly,
Dr. Nur Aisyah ;)
Monday, September 21, 2015
I am the wind
I am the wind. I come and go. I carry with me good and bad things, differently at different times, ever changing yet the same.
I am the wind, I sweep with me volatile substances, from different sources, felt by those immediate to me, by distance and by significance.
I am here, I am there, sometimes, not always, not everywhere.
I am present, I am alive, I am absent, dead.
odourless, tasteless, shapeless, disturbed, offended air. disruptive
I am moulded by that which surrounds me, my atmosphere and my peer, so weak and fickle, so easily affected.
I am the same, always working by the same rule yet I change with the slightest touch, depending on what touch is
from the tiniest rustle, to the largest of magnitude. sensitive, different, yet fundamentally the same.
still I am indifferent. I pass by and just that,
no backward or side glances, no taking notions of people's gestures or thoughts.
I simply sweep by. A brief passer-by.
I am the wind. I come and go. I am ever changing yet I am the same.
I am the wind, I sweep with me volatile substances, from different sources, felt by those immediate to me, by distance and by significance.
I am here, I am there, sometimes, not always, not everywhere.
I am present, I am alive, I am absent, dead.
odourless, tasteless, shapeless, disturbed, offended air. disruptive
I am moulded by that which surrounds me, my atmosphere and my peer, so weak and fickle, so easily affected.
I am the same, always working by the same rule yet I change with the slightest touch, depending on what touch is
from the tiniest rustle, to the largest of magnitude. sensitive, different, yet fundamentally the same.
still I am indifferent. I pass by and just that,
no backward or side glances, no taking notions of people's gestures or thoughts.
I simply sweep by. A brief passer-by.
I am the wind. I come and go. I am ever changing yet I am the same.
Friday, September 11, 2015
Thoughts for food
Banyak pulak thoughts sambil layan megi goreng ayam kat mamak tadi. Nak luah kat twitter, awkward pulak. Orang terpaksa 'dengar'.
Masa aku kat KMB dulu, ada satu masa ni balik daripada Alamanda kitorang naik satu teksi. Turns out, driver dia adik akhil khay (or macam mana pun lah eja nama dia). Dia cerita la macam-macam. The fact that dia kerja jadi driver teksi sebab nak berdakwah. Dia cakap pasal Allah, pasal segala dalam perjalanan yang berzikir pada Allah dan ape tah lagi. Taktau la korang bayangkan macam mana, orang pakai kopiah ke apa. Tapi bayangkan akhil khay yg rambut panjang mcm sempoi2 tu, tapi adik dia, pastu macam tipikal driver teksi muda pastu berdakwah. Macam err.. kitorang pun layankan jela, bukan kitorang ni hati rebellious pun.
Pastu dia cakap pasal raut wajah. Kau tahu kan kalau ustaz-ustaz ni selalu diorang tahu pasal raut wajah. Kening macamni perangai camnila, hidung camni jodoh camnila..contoh je. Bukan aku tahu pun. And then dia start go through kitorang one by one. Masetu of course la cuak kan, sape tak cuak orang baca raut wajah macam membaca rahsia kita pulak. Most of apa yang dia cakap tu kitorang gelak je. lol. Sambil-sambil nervous. Bila sampai kat aku, dia cakap: "Haa yang ni mesti warak ni." Satu teksi gelak. Konghajo. haha. Tapi aku pun mak aihh memang tak la, aku yg degil2 ni kerja maki orang je.
Tapi sekurang-kurangnya masa kmb dulu aku mampu untuk selalu bangun solat malam..
Aku selalu fikirkan benda tu, every now and then, aku akan teringat balik. Yela, siapa tak nak rasa special di sisi Tuhan kan. Lagi-lagi kalau muda-muda kau belum start berjuang apa, masih berjoli ber-enjoy orang dah cakap raut wajah kau muka orang warak.
Masetu aku gelak, sebab pada fahaman aku waktu tu 'warak' ni macam alim, beribadah, ustaz-ustazah. lol. Tapi aku cek balik makna dia actually sangat umum. Maksud dia (ni aku re-phrase ah) menjauhi perkara-perkara syubhah, meninggalkan perkara-perkara selain daripada Allah, puas dengan apa yang ada... sifat yang menjadi pendahulu kepada sifat zuhud. Bila kau ada sifat warak ni, kau faham macam mana nak jadi zuhud.
dan kalau (dan mari kita bersangka baik) driver teksi tu berilmu dia juga tahu makna sebenar apa yang dia sebut tu. Kalau macam tu.. aku rasa...mungkin lah aku.
Biasa ler lepas tulis satu post aku akan tengok balik kebanyakan post2 aku yang terdahulu. Sometimes mebantu untuk evaluate balik, kat mana aku dulu dan kat mana aku sekarang. Dan aku sedar daripada first year lagi, lepas KMB aku dah start cuba nak tolak dunia dan isinya. Aku nak bersendiri, tapi aku tak boleh sendiri sebab itu salah. Aku bertuhan. Tapi aku sebenarnya boleh bersendiri walaupun di tengah-tengah kesibukan kehidupan, berjumpa dengan macam-macam orang kalau dalam hati aku ada Allah. Itu kesedaran yang aku belum capai waktu umur aku 20 tahun.
Time and again.. aku mencari. Tapi sifatnya masih sama, masih di situ, mungkin sejak lahir. Sifat menolak benda yang tak penting.
Aku rasa, S itu merupakan satu beban bagi aku. Tapi aku nampak dia terlalu menarik sampai dengan sengaja aku masih tak nak lepaskan dia walaupun aku sedar dia satu beban yang mengheret aku semakin ke bawah dan ke bawah. Lepas aku liberated masa aku let go emir, aku rasa dah sangat elok dan betul dah jalan aku. Tapi aku amik juga S ni. Dan dari situ hanya turun jarang nak naik. Bila dia takde semnetara waktu, aku maju sikit dengan hidup aku. Tapi bila dia datang balik aku lost balik. Asik2 cakap pasal lost sedangkan aku masih tak lepaskan beban yang menarik aku ke bawah, macam mana nak gerak ke mana-mana?
Kemudian Allah datangkan burung (ke pisau ke whatever lah),untuk mencantas tali yang menghubungkan aku dengan dia. Allah pisahkan diri aku dengan dia secara paksa dan rentapan, semua salah aku juga terlalu lemah tak mahu lepaskan sendiri. Aku mungkin marah pada burung tu, aku mungkin sedih kehilangan benda menarik yang begitu lama aku pegang tak mau lepas. Tapi aku juga sedar beban tu dah hilang dan sekarang aku lebih ringan yang mebuatkan aku mampu 'terbang' kepada Tuhan aku. Now I'm just riding the stream, going with the flow that Allah has decided for me, but also must work to make sure I don't drift ashore and actually stay in the stream.
*Kau bayangkan lah berkerut-kerut makan kat mamak, semua ni (and actually more) in one sitting.
Masa aku kat KMB dulu, ada satu masa ni balik daripada Alamanda kitorang naik satu teksi. Turns out, driver dia adik akhil khay (or macam mana pun lah eja nama dia). Dia cerita la macam-macam. The fact that dia kerja jadi driver teksi sebab nak berdakwah. Dia cakap pasal Allah, pasal segala dalam perjalanan yang berzikir pada Allah dan ape tah lagi. Taktau la korang bayangkan macam mana, orang pakai kopiah ke apa. Tapi bayangkan akhil khay yg rambut panjang mcm sempoi2 tu, tapi adik dia, pastu macam tipikal driver teksi muda pastu berdakwah. Macam err.. kitorang pun layankan jela, bukan kitorang ni hati rebellious pun.
Pastu dia cakap pasal raut wajah. Kau tahu kan kalau ustaz-ustaz ni selalu diorang tahu pasal raut wajah. Kening macamni perangai camnila, hidung camni jodoh camnila..contoh je. Bukan aku tahu pun. And then dia start go through kitorang one by one. Masetu of course la cuak kan, sape tak cuak orang baca raut wajah macam membaca rahsia kita pulak. Most of apa yang dia cakap tu kitorang gelak je. lol. Sambil-sambil nervous. Bila sampai kat aku, dia cakap: "Haa yang ni mesti warak ni." Satu teksi gelak. Konghajo. haha. Tapi aku pun mak aihh memang tak la, aku yg degil2 ni kerja maki orang je.
Tapi sekurang-kurangnya masa kmb dulu aku mampu untuk selalu bangun solat malam..
Aku selalu fikirkan benda tu, every now and then, aku akan teringat balik. Yela, siapa tak nak rasa special di sisi Tuhan kan. Lagi-lagi kalau muda-muda kau belum start berjuang apa, masih berjoli ber-enjoy orang dah cakap raut wajah kau muka orang warak.
Masetu aku gelak, sebab pada fahaman aku waktu tu 'warak' ni macam alim, beribadah, ustaz-ustazah. lol. Tapi aku cek balik makna dia actually sangat umum. Maksud dia (ni aku re-phrase ah) menjauhi perkara-perkara syubhah, meninggalkan perkara-perkara selain daripada Allah, puas dengan apa yang ada... sifat yang menjadi pendahulu kepada sifat zuhud. Bila kau ada sifat warak ni, kau faham macam mana nak jadi zuhud.
dan kalau (dan mari kita bersangka baik) driver teksi tu berilmu dia juga tahu makna sebenar apa yang dia sebut tu. Kalau macam tu.. aku rasa...mungkin lah aku.
Biasa ler lepas tulis satu post aku akan tengok balik kebanyakan post2 aku yang terdahulu. Sometimes mebantu untuk evaluate balik, kat mana aku dulu dan kat mana aku sekarang. Dan aku sedar daripada first year lagi, lepas KMB aku dah start cuba nak tolak dunia dan isinya. Aku nak bersendiri, tapi aku tak boleh sendiri sebab itu salah. Aku bertuhan. Tapi aku sebenarnya boleh bersendiri walaupun di tengah-tengah kesibukan kehidupan, berjumpa dengan macam-macam orang kalau dalam hati aku ada Allah. Itu kesedaran yang aku belum capai waktu umur aku 20 tahun.
Time and again.. aku mencari. Tapi sifatnya masih sama, masih di situ, mungkin sejak lahir. Sifat menolak benda yang tak penting.
Aku rasa, S itu merupakan satu beban bagi aku. Tapi aku nampak dia terlalu menarik sampai dengan sengaja aku masih tak nak lepaskan dia walaupun aku sedar dia satu beban yang mengheret aku semakin ke bawah dan ke bawah. Lepas aku liberated masa aku let go emir, aku rasa dah sangat elok dan betul dah jalan aku. Tapi aku amik juga S ni. Dan dari situ hanya turun jarang nak naik. Bila dia takde semnetara waktu, aku maju sikit dengan hidup aku. Tapi bila dia datang balik aku lost balik. Asik2 cakap pasal lost sedangkan aku masih tak lepaskan beban yang menarik aku ke bawah, macam mana nak gerak ke mana-mana?
Kemudian Allah datangkan burung (ke pisau ke whatever lah),untuk mencantas tali yang menghubungkan aku dengan dia. Allah pisahkan diri aku dengan dia secara paksa dan rentapan, semua salah aku juga terlalu lemah tak mahu lepaskan sendiri. Aku mungkin marah pada burung tu, aku mungkin sedih kehilangan benda menarik yang begitu lama aku pegang tak mau lepas. Tapi aku juga sedar beban tu dah hilang dan sekarang aku lebih ringan yang mebuatkan aku mampu 'terbang' kepada Tuhan aku. Now I'm just riding the stream, going with the flow that Allah has decided for me, but also must work to make sure I don't drift ashore and actually stay in the stream.
*Kau bayangkan lah berkerut-kerut makan kat mamak, semua ni (and actually more) in one sitting.
Spiralling. Going round and round but towards one purposeful direction.
It's kind of a peaceful Friday morning (was, afternoon now) I just decided that I should spend some time today to pour down my thought into this blog post. Why, I have a diary-ish. I rarely put in stuff in it but I do every now and then. A blog post is a blog post though. Feels like I'm talking to a general crowd that my words and thoughts will dissipate into the insignificance, nothingness and unworthiness that most things are. And if by any chance people come across it and find it useful, I may have my share of bounty that may actually be able to tip the Scale even a little bit towards my favour.
Alhamdullillah 'ala kulli hal, wa astaghfirullah 'ala kulli zanbi. I think the most beneficial thing I came out with after the hardships and tests in life up to this point is that I acquire the consciousness and the ability to stop and perceive the whole situation in a larger scale. To be able to do that at what I think is a young age of 25, I think I am very lucky to be blessed with a wakeful mind that tends to reflect.
I truly think that when a test comes, it comes in a successive manner, that you have barely room to breathe but you will not have room enough to recover until everything that has been decreed upon has been carried out (ie all the tests). At least that's how my pattern of life is.
This time, at the first pang of event I was caught by surprise, which I shouldn't but I did, because I was struggling with my level of faith at the time. I failed my med school professional exam. Just one more step towards having that degree, but I stumbled at the very end. All those years and all those struggles, I just wanted things to be done and over with, you know. I wasn't graceful in accepting it. I cried for hours, got tired, slept, woke up crying again. but being the naturally detached me, I felt relieved after hearing my parents say that it was OK. As long as they both stand by me, I dont really care about a degree, or failure, or success, or anything really. (Gotta be scary being me). I got up, read manga and felt okay. Continued my life as usual. My success is just delayed, I just have to take the re-sit test and pass. There isn't much complication and honestly, it's not that bad. Just sucks not being able to attend the graduation ceremony with your friends and have to wait a whole year for the next one.
But then a good few weeks later, I was faced with test of human and feelings, which comes in two separate events. The first one I cried so hard because I was in the midst of giving way to depression, being alone in the room, trying to adjust to living temporarily in Penang. At that time I started to find God. You see, when you are depressed, you don't even have the drive to do all the antidepressant means, like taking care of yourself, exercise to release serotonin, going out to meet friends, so I turned to Allah and prayed that He give me strength to just be able to pick myself up and carry on day by day. I started to feel again for Him. Part two though, was sharp, because it's a test of another human being. Being misjudged and I felt wronged. But.. Allah is Kind. He gave me comfort through kind words from an old acquaintance. The words that I've been needing to hear, the way it should be said. I calmed down, and I realise that day, that I am being given another 'round' of battle to fight through; the failure, the relationship, and this and what might come next. One which if I turned out victorious, will be granted with unspeakable rewards, but if I fail, will do nothing but destroy me. Hence I realised, I am being watched.
Im not gonna lie and say the realisation made me totally forgot about the individual problems but it helps mightily. The only times they bother me is when I let loose my mind that I gave chance for the Devil's whisper to enter. Thinking and replaying and the what ifs do nothing but hurt and weaken me. I have no time to be weak not now not anytime in this world. I have to use all the consciousness that God gave me and turn it into something beneficial that can help save me in the Afterlife.
Turning lemon into lemonade.
Knowing me, this state might not last very long. haha. Maybe 2-3 months. Maybe more. What is more important is that I seize this opportunity, all this hurt, struggles and difficulties, and ask Allah to give as much bounty, reward and compensation as possible, so that it may compensate my sins and save me from hellfire. That I take this sense of consciousness as an opening for me to be closer to Allah and get to know him through getting to know myself.and this, getting to know myself will be a long, hard process. I pray that He send me a guide to help me because it's freaking hard okay to understand this world as a concept of a whole through one, and One through whole and more.
IN a hadith, the Prophet (pbuh) said:
"Wonderful is the affair of the believer! His affairs in enirety are good for him: if good befalls him, he is thankful, and that is good for him. And if harm befalls him, he is patient, and that is good for him. And this (propsperous state of being) is only for the believer."
'I am with the thoughts of My slave towards me, se let him think of me as he pleases."
In terms of orang lain tu.. takpelah. It's better to just let go. If i hold on to it, replay or even think about it, It's like I purposely hold on to a heavy burden in my hand when I can actually just let it down on the floor. In the end, everyone is a test for everyone, I must only look at and worry about my reaction and performance in accepting the test so that I may not miss out on all the goodness that I may have been entitled to depending on my reaction. It is best to forgive, and to carry on.
"The Muslim is the person whose tongue and hand do not harm other Muslims. and the Believer is he whom others trust, with their blood and wealth.
"Verily, Allah ordered me to keep relations with those that cut me off, to forgive the one who does injustice with me, and to give to those who withhold from me."
"Those who repress anger, and who pardon men; verily Allah loves the good-doers." (3:134)
"Give to such people glad tidings of imminent reward in this world, in terms of peace and tranquility. Also give glad tidings to them of great reward in the Hereafter, of Paradise, wherein they will be in close proximity to their forgiving Lord"
Eventually all the pieces fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that everything happens for a reason.
We are just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye.
Alhamdullillah 'ala kulli hal, wa astaghfirullah 'ala kulli zanbi. I think the most beneficial thing I came out with after the hardships and tests in life up to this point is that I acquire the consciousness and the ability to stop and perceive the whole situation in a larger scale. To be able to do that at what I think is a young age of 25, I think I am very lucky to be blessed with a wakeful mind that tends to reflect.
I truly think that when a test comes, it comes in a successive manner, that you have barely room to breathe but you will not have room enough to recover until everything that has been decreed upon has been carried out (ie all the tests). At least that's how my pattern of life is.
This time, at the first pang of event I was caught by surprise, which I shouldn't but I did, because I was struggling with my level of faith at the time. I failed my med school professional exam. Just one more step towards having that degree, but I stumbled at the very end. All those years and all those struggles, I just wanted things to be done and over with, you know. I wasn't graceful in accepting it. I cried for hours, got tired, slept, woke up crying again. but being the naturally detached me, I felt relieved after hearing my parents say that it was OK. As long as they both stand by me, I dont really care about a degree, or failure, or success, or anything really. (Gotta be scary being me). I got up, read manga and felt okay. Continued my life as usual. My success is just delayed, I just have to take the re-sit test and pass. There isn't much complication and honestly, it's not that bad. Just sucks not being able to attend the graduation ceremony with your friends and have to wait a whole year for the next one.
But then a good few weeks later, I was faced with test of human and feelings, which comes in two separate events. The first one I cried so hard because I was in the midst of giving way to depression, being alone in the room, trying to adjust to living temporarily in Penang. At that time I started to find God. You see, when you are depressed, you don't even have the drive to do all the antidepressant means, like taking care of yourself, exercise to release serotonin, going out to meet friends, so I turned to Allah and prayed that He give me strength to just be able to pick myself up and carry on day by day. I started to feel again for Him. Part two though, was sharp, because it's a test of another human being. Being misjudged and I felt wronged. But.. Allah is Kind. He gave me comfort through kind words from an old acquaintance. The words that I've been needing to hear, the way it should be said. I calmed down, and I realise that day, that I am being given another 'round' of battle to fight through; the failure, the relationship, and this and what might come next. One which if I turned out victorious, will be granted with unspeakable rewards, but if I fail, will do nothing but destroy me. Hence I realised, I am being watched.
Im not gonna lie and say the realisation made me totally forgot about the individual problems but it helps mightily. The only times they bother me is when I let loose my mind that I gave chance for the Devil's whisper to enter. Thinking and replaying and the what ifs do nothing but hurt and weaken me. I have no time to be weak not now not anytime in this world. I have to use all the consciousness that God gave me and turn it into something beneficial that can help save me in the Afterlife.
Turning lemon into lemonade.
Knowing me, this state might not last very long. haha. Maybe 2-3 months. Maybe more. What is more important is that I seize this opportunity, all this hurt, struggles and difficulties, and ask Allah to give as much bounty, reward and compensation as possible, so that it may compensate my sins and save me from hellfire. That I take this sense of consciousness as an opening for me to be closer to Allah and get to know him through getting to know myself.and this, getting to know myself will be a long, hard process. I pray that He send me a guide to help me because it's freaking hard okay to understand this world as a concept of a whole through one, and One through whole and more.
IN a hadith, the Prophet (pbuh) said:
"Wonderful is the affair of the believer! His affairs in enirety are good for him: if good befalls him, he is thankful, and that is good for him. And if harm befalls him, he is patient, and that is good for him. And this (propsperous state of being) is only for the believer."
'I am with the thoughts of My slave towards me, se let him think of me as he pleases."
In terms of orang lain tu.. takpelah. It's better to just let go. If i hold on to it, replay or even think about it, It's like I purposely hold on to a heavy burden in my hand when I can actually just let it down on the floor. In the end, everyone is a test for everyone, I must only look at and worry about my reaction and performance in accepting the test so that I may not miss out on all the goodness that I may have been entitled to depending on my reaction. It is best to forgive, and to carry on.
"The Muslim is the person whose tongue and hand do not harm other Muslims. and the Believer is he whom others trust, with their blood and wealth.
"Verily, Allah ordered me to keep relations with those that cut me off, to forgive the one who does injustice with me, and to give to those who withhold from me."
"Those who repress anger, and who pardon men; verily Allah loves the good-doers." (3:134)
"Give to such people glad tidings of imminent reward in this world, in terms of peace and tranquility. Also give glad tidings to them of great reward in the Hereafter, of Paradise, wherein they will be in close proximity to their forgiving Lord"
Eventually all the pieces fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that everything happens for a reason.
We are just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
I wonder what does it look like, the sour plum at the back of my onigiri.
read from right to left
It's times like these it made me wonder, why always the same person. Why doesn't it happen to that person who seems to have it smooth throughout the years. I know it's easy to say, life is fair and everyone is fighting a different battle but really, why me? I know, it is a poisonous question, the very phrase that questions my self worth, the manifestation of self doubt but I really desperately need to make something out of this.
It's times like these it made me wonder, why always the same person. Why doesn't it happen to that person who seems to have it smooth throughout the years. I know it's easy to say, life is fair and everyone is fighting a different battle but really, why me? I know, it is a poisonous question, the very phrase that questions my self worth, the manifestation of self doubt but I really desperately need to make something out of this.
Maybe it's my lack of worry, my lack of natural anxiety. I put in as much effort as other people I'm sure. I am not a sprinter I am a slow jogger. I have a go at a relaxed pace, is that my downfall?
Really though what does it matter. Sometimes I get what I want, sometimes I don't. What does it matter. What will be will be and what won't will never ever happen even with the might of thousand geniuses' effort.
I cried for hours, fell asleep and cried again but the same night I managed to knock some sense into myself and calmed down. People say I'm strong. I hear that a lot throughout my life. But what does it really mean?? To my heart it just sounds like loneliness. A solo act, not being able to share or hope on others. An understanding, that it doesn't matter what I feel or what I think. That life must go on nevertheless. A foresee that a thousand rants are meaningless even if for a temporary comfort's sake I wish to do so.
I'm tired I really am. When all goes well I become lost, I couldn't drag myself into the truth, the right path of life. When it doesn't go very well, I'm still lost. I have no idea where to bring myself to. The person that seemed to offer a slight hope cannot help having the ulterior motive.
Maybe I shall see later in life what this all leads me to. In the meantime I'll have to comfort myself, even if I do not see it, that I have that sour plum at the back of my onigiri too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)