so much for my happy summer hols

YEAHUUUUUUUU!! SUMMER HOLIDAYS Y'ALLL!

So i came back about a week after i finished my exams and went straight to London the day after my last exam to go look for souvenirs for people.

myself, safira and acap with trafalgar square in the background. under the summer rains.

spent about 4 days there, then back to dublin and spent about another 2 days trying to figure out how to clear all my stuff. ALL of it from the house. I never moved houses before, well i did, but that was when i was like, 1? so that doesn't count. So before i went to the airport i stuffed all my belongings in the taxi but apparently i have just too much stuff that i have to leave my bedside table(25euro, yes liyana you can leave it in the house since its a trouble for u to move it, haven't replied to you, will do soon afterwards, this) and my hangers. Honestly even though it's almost a week after exam but there wasn't really enough time to properly do all those stuff. I left the house in a messy manner, i should have done my share of cleaning the house in some way or another. I bought souvenirs randomly and quickly. Turns out that the guys in my family are actually a size or two bigger than i anticipated them to be. Ended up having to ask the people who are still in Dublin to buy the proper sizes. That's a very2 bad way to manage my financials. Back here, now, i have to update and re-estimate my budgets. rabak2~~

well so here i am now, back in malaysia, so semangat nak pegi karok n jadi tahi wayang. But saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadly, there's no one around to accompany me. i am so not in the mood to be spending time out alone here back in Malaysia. I've had enough time alone in Dublin :(

and so here i am all alone, at home, doing pretty much nothing of importance or significance to be mentioned, for the whole week lamenting, being devastated at the fact that the first week of my holiday when im all semangat, there's no one around to ask out. I am BORED TO DEATH. BORED I TELL YOUUU. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

well enough of this. it makes me fell so shitty and that is definitely NOT the holiday mood im looking for. True, i have all these plans and all these things that i have in mind that i wanna do. But i wanna do it bearing in mind that im gonna do it with somebody. Well i guess for the sake of my own peace and wellbeing, i have to reset that mindset. I will be doing the stuffs that i wanna do alone. fuck it. Be it the same as ever, as i have been doing these past long months. It's so much better than just laying around doing nothing feeling all down and poopy.

so nowww.. i'm a bit more semangat to do something. Last night i tried to reset my biological clock, right now it's seriously upside down, like, about 165degree deviated, but to no avail. I have been having so much trouble waking up during the day, i mean, what much is there to do at night, especially for a girl, yg tinggal kat kampung, like me? So basically to put my life this whole week in simple words: no life. I tried Sarah Yuzari's method of not sleeping until it is the time you should actually sleep. Naww.. i think that method doesn't suit me. I'd sleep even if i have an important assignment to hand in anyways, if i feel like sleeping. So im taking the opposite approach tonight. To sleep, wake up and sleep again at normal times. lols. i love me. can sleep anytime ;D we'll see how that works out.

tomorrow, im gonna go wash and cut my gandalf-long hair, go and have a facial, look for some baking stuff, cooking stuff, to start my cooking mode again, and i guess this week i'm gonna try some new western recipes, bake cheesecake, cupcakes and brownies. finally, LIFE! and im gonna give up waiting for that someone to ask me out. gahhhhhhhhhh! it's so frustrating.

oh, and maybe have some alone bowling time while im at it. (sounds so hard to do, but i did that, a few times...... sad. Well if im damn good like ajibXjamu i wouldnt mind bowling alone am so much better than a few people men bese2 je. But well, im not. In fact, im getting worse. arghh, matilah aku asek kne maki ngn ajib je nnt D:)

well, all that sounded good, but it all comes back to my state of mind when i wake up tomorrow. I hope im gonna be fit mentally.

oh, i know there's like tonnes of chores that i can do around the house, but it all comes back to my motivation, which is pretty shitty at the moment. So yeah. Toodles.

bliss :)

i love you i love you i love you <3

im so glad, im so glad ;)

u didn't leave me. it was neither of our fault.

hahaha

:)

'think of me'

think of me, think of me fondly

when we've said goodbye

remember me once in a while

please promise me you'll try

when you'll find that once again

you long to take your heart back and be free

if you ever find a moment

spare a thought for me

we never said our love was evergreen

or as unchanging as the sea

but if you can still remember

stop and think of me

think of all the things we've shared and see

don't think about the ways things might have been

think of me, think of me waking silent and resigned

imagine me, trying too hard to put you from my mind

recall those days, look back at all those times

think of the things we'll never do

there will never be a day

when i won't think of you

long ago, it seems so long ago

how young and innocent we were

she may not remember me

but i remember her

flowers fade, the fruit of summer fade

they have their seasons, so do we

but promise me that sometimes

you will think of me

the phantom of the opera

I think.. you're right.

i think i'm depressed.

;(

aisyah's lament

when you starts to DEPEND, thats when you know one day you will shatter to pieces.

sad as it may sound, it is most probably a universal truth, conscious or not, acknowledged or otherwise.

spoken as if someone who has had her heart broken, spirits blown away.

but perhaps i am...perhaps i am.

this..dependence, almost am i inclined to relate to hopefulness, expectations, perhaps, owing to the same sensation that all of them give when failed, will not escape us as long as we are to live in the mercy of another human being, which is unearthly otherwise for human beings are so in need of a society. so then what else can we do but to face it, chin up, feet firm on the ground and conquer the foe that we have ever been so familiar with, sensibly said. but sensibility, as we like, isn't always our vice when it comes to extremes and critical in our lives. only but few could keep them at bay.

when dependent, one is exposed to the comfort of being weak, to rejoice in the comfort of ease and at peace knowing things will be, without much effort or thought about it. the constancy makes it 'better' for it makes things fall into places, into somewhat a routine, which mankind are at nature inclined in preference to.

but someday, those routines will be broken, like routines always do, and thats when the first crack appears. pray it shall even be shattered that very instant at once. and what will people do but to typically lament on their own stupidity for having had given themselves away to weakness, to dependency against their own better judgement. with a bleeding chest, determined not to give themselves away easily the next time, only to repeat the folly, with an already cracked heart. i wonder if men will ever learn.

to take flight for your heart and go against your better judgement and risk a hard fall, or to oblige to rational sense of mind and dismiss a rekindled hope and a chance of happiness?

humans are indeed complex creatures. i wonder what shall i do...