Monday, April 20, 2009

why?why? whyy????? dammit!

why am i a girl??!! astaghfirullah.. thats so against qada' n qadar. haha..
i feel like a wotrhless shit coz of this susceptibility towards this thing called 'emotion'. ceh..
as a girl, with so many hormones and genes in both of my X chromosomes, so as normal to say i am prone to mlayan my perasaan.

i get easily irritated
i get pretty much pissed off with everybody evry now n then
i get so emo that nobody dares to say aword to me and in a flick of a finger im all jolly again(mental huh) terrible mood swing (-_-!)

im a bossy person tho nobody really notice until they are associated with me. i dont trust people easily. so i have problems with delegation of tasks. end up burdening myself and blowing my head up.

i feel like shit when i dont understand a topic and when i asked people, they are making it end up feeling goddamn stressed.

and~~at the end of the day i notice i cursed so much that it actually feels good when its not supposed to be so.
anyway i learn a new curse! instead of goddamn, how bout godbless huh?hahah..more polite, with an irony and literary effect. more effective than goddamn dont u think so? i reckon so.. well whatever. im not supposed to curse anyway. its not polite!dont u know??? far, i think i've hurt a lot of feeling with my bitchy attitude which is getting more bitchy and bitchy as i spend more time here in this godbless place. therefore, i'd rather lock myself up in my room so people dont have to see my worse than shit face.

i tried my best to suppress all this negative feeling.i shouldn't let my emotions govern me. not good for my health, says a friend. but u know..its really hard. i just feel like letting out everything's that inside me! and as the result, people around me gets uncomfortable and annoyed.

i'd wake up every morning with frustration.if not mind flashes of homework, oversleep or the conciousness that i've been doing NOTHING to serve the students when im supposed to, the frustration and disappointment with my colleagus!..then its just habit to feel so. if im lucky i even get swtdreams of math and maybe a lil bit of other subjects.(that's what makes me on the verge of breaking down sometimes)

but, u know what..i just think that i have to lift a few burdens off my mind to make space for the emotionally affected matters so that my head is not cramped up and i get to all those shitty attitudes.things which i can control, in my grasp, and i can do it by myself, without having to put trust on others,and prone to disappointment:i.e..don't procrastinate and complete my godbless homework!! well, that actually works. im a bit stable than before. tho i still cant help getting easily irritated. worst still , getting disgusted with other people.
like, who am i to feel disgusted at other people???

Juz losing up the tense. in less than 1 hour tonite, i get from blank emotion to optimum pissing off.been conscious bout these for quite a time now.but still in the process of improving and develioping a personal barrier. (how do u do a personal barrier to ur own personal godbless self??).well, i'll have to discover that,thats all mental blurbs for today peeps.or myb juz the web.friggin negative emotion! shooo~~!!!go away!! i dont like u!huh! (-__-)