Monday, September 21, 2015
I am the wind, I sweep with me volatile substances, from different sources, felt by those immediate to me, by distance and by significance.
I am here, I am there, sometimes, not always, not everywhere.
I am present, I am alive, I am absent, dead.
odourless, tasteless, shapeless, disturbed, offended air. disruptive
I am moulded by that which surrounds me, my atmosphere and my peer, so weak and fickle, so easily affected.
I am the same, always working by the same rule yet I change with the slightest touch, depending on what touch is
from the tiniest rustle, to the largest of magnitude. sensitive, different, yet fundamentally the same.
still I am indifferent. I pass by and just that,
no backward or side glances, no taking notions of people's gestures or thoughts.
I simply sweep by. A brief passer-by.
I am the wind. I come and go. I am ever changing yet I am the same.
Friday, September 11, 2015
Masa aku kat KMB dulu, ada satu masa ni balik daripada Alamanda kitorang naik satu teksi. Turns out, driver dia adik akhil khay (or macam mana pun lah eja nama dia). Dia cerita la macam-macam. The fact that dia kerja jadi driver teksi sebab nak berdakwah. Dia cakap pasal Allah, pasal segala dalam perjalanan yang berzikir pada Allah dan ape tah lagi. Taktau la korang bayangkan macam mana, orang pakai kopiah ke apa. Tapi bayangkan akhil khay yg rambut panjang mcm sempoi2 tu, tapi adik dia, pastu macam tipikal driver teksi muda pastu berdakwah. Macam err.. kitorang pun layankan jela, bukan kitorang ni hati rebellious pun.
Pastu dia cakap pasal raut wajah. Kau tahu kan kalau ustaz-ustaz ni selalu diorang tahu pasal raut wajah. Kening macamni perangai camnila, hidung camni jodoh camnila..contoh je. Bukan aku tahu pun. And then dia start go through kitorang one by one. Masetu of course la cuak kan, sape tak cuak orang baca raut wajah macam membaca rahsia kita pulak. Most of apa yang dia cakap tu kitorang gelak je. lol. Sambil-sambil nervous. Bila sampai kat aku, dia cakap: "Haa yang ni mesti warak ni." Satu teksi gelak. Konghajo. haha. Tapi aku pun mak aihh memang tak la, aku yg degil2 ni kerja maki orang je.
Tapi sekurang-kurangnya masa kmb dulu aku mampu untuk selalu bangun solat malam..
Aku selalu fikirkan benda tu, every now and then, aku akan teringat balik. Yela, siapa tak nak rasa special di sisi Tuhan kan. Lagi-lagi kalau muda-muda kau belum start berjuang apa, masih berjoli ber-enjoy orang dah cakap raut wajah kau muka orang warak.
Masetu aku gelak, sebab pada fahaman aku waktu tu 'warak' ni macam alim, beribadah, ustaz-ustazah. lol. Tapi aku cek balik makna dia actually sangat umum. Maksud dia (ni aku re-phrase ah) menjauhi perkara-perkara syubhah, meninggalkan perkara-perkara selain daripada Allah, puas dengan apa yang ada... sifat yang menjadi pendahulu kepada sifat zuhud. Bila kau ada sifat warak ni, kau faham macam mana nak jadi zuhud.
dan kalau (dan mari kita bersangka baik) driver teksi tu berilmu dia juga tahu makna sebenar apa yang dia sebut tu. Kalau macam tu.. aku rasa...mungkin lah aku.
Biasa ler lepas tulis satu post aku akan tengok balik kebanyakan post2 aku yang terdahulu. Sometimes mebantu untuk evaluate balik, kat mana aku dulu dan kat mana aku sekarang. Dan aku sedar daripada first year lagi, lepas KMB aku dah start cuba nak tolak dunia dan isinya. Aku nak bersendiri, tapi aku tak boleh sendiri sebab itu salah. Aku bertuhan. Tapi aku sebenarnya boleh bersendiri walaupun di tengah-tengah kesibukan kehidupan, berjumpa dengan macam-macam orang kalau dalam hati aku ada Allah. Itu kesedaran yang aku belum capai waktu umur aku 20 tahun.
Time and again.. aku mencari. Tapi sifatnya masih sama, masih di situ, mungkin sejak lahir. Sifat menolak benda yang tak penting.
Aku rasa, S itu merupakan satu beban bagi aku. Tapi aku nampak dia terlalu menarik sampai dengan sengaja aku masih tak nak lepaskan dia walaupun aku sedar dia satu beban yang mengheret aku semakin ke bawah dan ke bawah. Lepas aku liberated masa aku let go emir, aku rasa dah sangat elok dan betul dah jalan aku. Tapi aku amik juga S ni. Dan dari situ hanya turun jarang nak naik. Bila dia takde semnetara waktu, aku maju sikit dengan hidup aku. Tapi bila dia datang balik aku lost balik. Asik2 cakap pasal lost sedangkan aku masih tak lepaskan beban yang menarik aku ke bawah, macam mana nak gerak ke mana-mana?
Kemudian Allah datangkan burung (ke pisau ke whatever lah),untuk mencantas tali yang menghubungkan aku dengan dia. Allah pisahkan diri aku dengan dia secara paksa dan rentapan, semua salah aku juga terlalu lemah tak mahu lepaskan sendiri. Aku mungkin marah pada burung tu, aku mungkin sedih kehilangan benda menarik yang begitu lama aku pegang tak mau lepas. Tapi aku juga sedar beban tu dah hilang dan sekarang aku lebih ringan yang mebuatkan aku mampu 'terbang' kepada Tuhan aku. Now I'm just riding the stream, going with the flow that Allah has decided for me, but also must work to make sure I don't drift ashore and actually stay in the stream.
*Kau bayangkan lah berkerut-kerut makan kat mamak, semua ni (and actually more) in one sitting.
Alhamdullillah 'ala kulli hal, wa astaghfirullah 'ala kulli zanbi. I think the most beneficial thing I came out with after the hardships and tests in life up to this point is that I acquire the consciousness and the ability to stop and perceive the whole situation in a larger scale. To be able to do that at what I think is a young age of 25, I think I am very lucky to be blessed with a wakeful mind that tends to reflect.
I truly think that when a test comes, it comes in a successive manner, that you have barely room to breathe but you will not have room enough to recover until everything that has been decreed upon has been carried out (ie all the tests). At least that's how my pattern of life is.
This time, at the first pang of event I was caught by surprise, which I shouldn't but I did, because I was struggling with my level of faith at the time. I failed my med school professional exam. Just one more step towards having that degree, but I stumbled at the very end. All those years and all those struggles, I just wanted things to be done and over with, you know. I wasn't graceful in accepting it. I cried for hours, got tired, slept, woke up crying again. but being the naturally detached me, I felt relieved after hearing my parents say that it was OK. As long as they both stand by me, I dont really care about a degree, or failure, or success, or anything really. (Gotta be scary being me). I got up, read manga and felt okay. Continued my life as usual. My success is just delayed, I just have to take the re-sit test and pass. There isn't much complication and honestly, it's not that bad. Just sucks not being able to attend the graduation ceremony with your friends and have to wait a whole year for the next one.
But then a good few weeks later, I was faced with test of human and feelings, which comes in two separate events. The first one I cried so hard because I was in the midst of giving way to depression, being alone in the room, trying to adjust to living temporarily in Penang. At that time I started to find God. You see, when you are depressed, you don't even have the drive to do all the antidepressant means, like taking care of yourself, exercise to release serotonin, going out to meet friends, so I turned to Allah and prayed that He give me strength to just be able to pick myself up and carry on day by day. I started to feel again for Him. Part two though, was sharp, because it's a test of another human being. Being misjudged and I felt wronged. But.. Allah is Kind. He gave me comfort through kind words from an old acquaintance. The words that I've been needing to hear, the way it should be said. I calmed down, and I realise that day, that I am being given another 'round' of battle to fight through; the failure, the relationship, and this and what might come next. One which if I turned out victorious, will be granted with unspeakable rewards, but if I fail, will do nothing but destroy me. Hence I realised, I am being watched.
Im not gonna lie and say the realisation made me totally forgot about the individual problems but it helps mightily. The only times they bother me is when I let loose my mind that I gave chance for the Devil's whisper to enter. Thinking and replaying and the what ifs do nothing but hurt and weaken me. I have no time to be weak not now not anytime in this world. I have to use all the consciousness that God gave me and turn it into something beneficial that can help save me in the Afterlife.
Turning lemon into lemonade.
Knowing me, this state might not last very long. haha. Maybe 2-3 months. Maybe more. What is more important is that I seize this opportunity, all this hurt, struggles and difficulties, and ask Allah to give as much bounty, reward and compensation as possible, so that it may compensate my sins and save me from hellfire. That I take this sense of consciousness as an opening for me to be closer to Allah and get to know him through getting to know myself.and this, getting to know myself will be a long, hard process. I pray that He send me a guide to help me because it's freaking hard okay to understand this world as a concept of a whole through one, and One through whole and more.
IN a hadith, the Prophet (pbuh) said:
"Wonderful is the affair of the believer! His affairs in enirety are good for him: if good befalls him, he is thankful, and that is good for him. And if harm befalls him, he is patient, and that is good for him. And this (propsperous state of being) is only for the believer."
'I am with the thoughts of My slave towards me, se let him think of me as he pleases."
In terms of orang lain tu.. takpelah. It's better to just let go. If i hold on to it, replay or even think about it, It's like I purposely hold on to a heavy burden in my hand when I can actually just let it down on the floor. In the end, everyone is a test for everyone, I must only look at and worry about my reaction and performance in accepting the test so that I may not miss out on all the goodness that I may have been entitled to depending on my reaction. It is best to forgive, and to carry on.
"The Muslim is the person whose tongue and hand do not harm other Muslims. and the Believer is he whom others trust, with their blood and wealth.
"Verily, Allah ordered me to keep relations with those that cut me off, to forgive the one who does injustice with me, and to give to those who withhold from me."
"Those who repress anger, and who pardon men; verily Allah loves the good-doers." (3:134)
"Give to such people glad tidings of imminent reward in this world, in terms of peace and tranquility. Also give glad tidings to them of great reward in the Hereafter, of Paradise, wherein they will be in close proximity to their forgiving Lord"
Eventually all the pieces fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that everything happens for a reason.
We are just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye.
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
It's times like these it made me wonder, why always the same person. Why doesn't it happen to that person who seems to have it smooth throughout the years. I know it's easy to say, life is fair and everyone is fighting a different battle but really, why me? I know, it is a poisonous question, the very phrase that questions my self worth, the manifestation of self doubt but I really desperately need to make something out of this.
Maybe it's my lack of worry, my lack of natural anxiety. I put in as much effort as other people I'm sure. I am not a sprinter I am a slow jogger. I have a go at a relaxed pace, is that my downfall?
Really though what does it matter. Sometimes I get what I want, sometimes I don't. What does it matter. What will be will be and what won't will never ever happen even with the might of thousand geniuses' effort.
I cried for hours, fell asleep and cried again but the same night I managed to knock some sense into myself and calmed down. People say I'm strong. I hear that a lot throughout my life. But what does it really mean?? To my heart it just sounds like loneliness. A solo act, not being able to share or hope on others. An understanding, that it doesn't matter what I feel or what I think. That life must go on nevertheless. A foresee that a thousand rants are meaningless even if for a temporary comfort's sake I wish to do so.
I'm tired I really am. When all goes well I become lost, I couldn't drag myself into the truth, the right path of life. When it doesn't go very well, I'm still lost. I have no idea where to bring myself to. The person that seemed to offer a slight hope cannot help having the ulterior motive.
Maybe I shall see later in life what this all leads me to. In the meantime I'll have to comfort myself, even if I do not see it, that I have that sour plum at the back of my onigiri too.
Saturday, March 21, 2015
So hello, almost halfway through my final semester now. Can you believe it like I'm the so called 'final med student'. It has been quite busy, but not so much different from previous semesters pun. I've always tried to study consistently because for me, it's not for just exams but for my own understanding. I mean this knowledge would be applied to again and again in the future, so might as well take in as much as possible background knowledge before I go into the 'real world'. Cheh.
Hmmm so getting real hungry now, plus I forgot already what I wanted to say. haha. Oh well, a post is a post is a post. I'll appreciate it in the future. tata :)