curing the heart, social relationships

this all started with a friends (word)fight on facebook.

And i thought, my god, this is very crappy and shitty, so messed up it breaks my heart. Such a taint in this wonderful, beautiful ramadhan when everybody was eager to increase their amal. When my home news feed is filled with posts about ramadhan all the time. When people are busy reminding each other to be closer to Allah. I feel very, very, very disappointed...with what? the situation? i dont know.. maybe the attitude of some people.

Coincidentally, thank gracious god, i am in a more serene and calm state towards the end of this blessed month. No, this is definitely not the ramadhan that i am proud of but at least, something happened in my heart. It's tilted a little by Allah towards the better. Very little though but very meaningful for i have forsaken Him for too long. And what sweeter gift than the hidayah that nobody else can give but Him? I decided to improve on my behaviour, my choice of words, my attitude especially on social networking. (okay but honestly with my close friends, i'll maybe have a bit of a challenge)

When i saw the post, i was really angry. I immediately remembered a tweet once by #DamnItsTrue, "if your best friend got into a fight, you're automatically in it too". Naturally, i'd immediately felt a strong impulse to stand up for my friend. Yet by nature and by habit, i hate and avoid conflicts. I did immediately clicked on the comment box, but it took me about 5 minutes to edit the comment i just typed out. In the end, i approved only, "be nice guys" in the hope of sounding neutral. In the hope that i will not be another 'victim'.

However, these guys are...how should i describe it...impossible to talk to. All they want is to be angry and make other people angry. Provoking people with harsh languages and words that are undoubtedly hurtful. I was hurt right away with their words. Oh how it sparked anger faster than you can finish reading them. It was quite challenging but i managed to calm myself down and replied what i felt was sensible and acceptable. I admit though, i was in a pretty bitchy mood when i replied. Sorry dude, not this lady. You cannot provoke me with cheap tricks like that.

Then i thought, this is super uncool and i definitely want this to be done and over with before it gets any worse. First step was of course, to remove one side. Bertepuk sebelah tangan takkan berbunyi. I forbade my friend from replying anything at all. I purposely used that word, FORBID, to emphasize that it must be done. No compromise. For i know, my friend here is very angry and they are very provoking, if i was in her place i'd have a strong urge to fire back. It's a wise, yet very hard decision to bite your tongue and remain quiet while others are stirring anger in you. I know everybody knows that, but somehow, there'll always be that, 'okay one last comment, one last grenade'. NO. Refrain yourself with all your might at the VERY FIRST provocation. We tend to lose all rational thoughts when overwhelmed with emotions. Critical situations like this require exact and clear instructions from a third party.

After that, i hoped to gain truce and began to investigate on the source of the matter, which i became to understand to be a major misunderstanding. Then i offered myself to be the middle person. Even my other school friends said that they hope this matter could be settled in peace, that they don't like this scene. I offered a solution. However it seems that the other party isn't looking for any. In fact, the word 'fun' popped out. I was super furious with the attitude, but i managed to keep my head and accept the decision.

My fury continues on. Like always, twitter is my refuge.

"Ok the decision has been made. No truce or peace can be gained. Let them be. Only death can cure a fool."

"We shall be the better men and keep our cool. Poise, composure, calm and sensible are the winning traits. Mengalah tak bmaksud kalah!"

I very recently encountered this japanese proverb, only death can cure a fool. I said that out of anger. For that is what i think of the likes of them. Fools. I can't see any gains at all from their actions and of course, the so immature attitude and decision. If you could only read what he wrote to me...i feel so ashamed that i offered to help in the first place. So ashamed to have wasted that effort on the likes of them.

I know i shouldn't feel that way. we seek to do good deeds none other than to please Allah. If what we did, didn't work out, let it be. We have tried, and it's always the effort that counts. Allah said,

Oleh itu berikanlah sahaja peringatan (kepada manusia, dan janganlah berdukacita kiranya ada yang menolaknya), kerana sesungguhnya engkau hanyalah seorang pemberi ingatan. Bukanlah engkau seorang yang berkuasa memaksa mereka (menerima apa yang engkau sampaikan itu) [al-Ghasyiyyah 88: 21-22]

I don't know maybe it doesn't fit but who cares. It touched my heart and that means, to me at least, that it's very much relevant. After that i did sunat prayer and recited the Quran. When my anger is lifted, i feel that we should pity them instead. They are doing nothing but being cruel to themselves. And are WE the better creatures? Best thing to do is pray for them, pray that their heart will get better, and so would ours, so that we wouldn't get so angry easily.

I'm so glad i changed to twitter for my thoughts instead of facebook. It saved me a lot from foolish and childish remarks to the public. "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt" (Abraham Lincoln). I very much refrained myself lately on posting a facebook status. Even if i do i would think several times if it's wise, if it brings down my dignity. If i can't decide, i'll decide to not post it. At least on twitter it's a little private and i know those followers well.

There would be less fights, less break-ups and more peace in the world if facebook doesn't exist. I now began to reflect a lot on the necessity of having a facebook account. I used to want to show everything of my pictures, update my status almost all the time...but now... i don't know. I don't feel anything for that anymore. I even think it's okay that i delete my account right here right now, given that i've saved whatever i think is precious of course. But no, that won't do. Not yet. I will still keep my account. No really deep thoughts about it... yet.

Well...in the end, this is all just part of the TEST my dear friends and self. Hopefully we passed with flying colours.

diary of a drinks tycoon in bazaar ramadhan

okay i know that sounds pretty cheesy and lame but here's bits and pieces of what i gathered up along the way every evening throughout ramadhan ;)

1. being the great tycoon that we are

During weekdays, sales are pretty satisfying as most working people just buy everything at the bazaar to make their life easier. During weekends however, it's pretty slow, since, people are at home, most of which are cooking their once-in-a-while special dishes or eating outside with families and friends.

weather-wise, when it's scorching hot, when even our own godbless throats feel very dry, it would be non-stop sale, non-stop packaging, non stop 'thank you-ing'. All the drinks would, by the end of the day, left to a very pleasing to look at level. Top sale of the day would very evidently be air asam boi (sells like pisang goreng panas), people would ask for more ice, and some would buy two instead of usually one for themselves. And all that is very much ka-ching for us. On the other hand, during damp days, we should do well reminding ourselves to keep the packaging at a moderate level as so will the sales.

Selling in a place near or at a shopping complex means that you'll definitely gonna have a certain amount of customer, which would be the shopkeepers, sales assistant and everybody else who everyday dwells within that complex. Sensibly, most of them would not trouble themselves to go to any other bazaar ramadhan since they have one nearby anyway. Other than the security of having a customer you'd also have a higher chance of having regular customers, which is not only good for our cash box but also to our personal motivations.

2. the many types of people that i amuse myself with in observation

the really small boy buying and i ask him, "cawan ke plastik dik?" and the answer i get "plastik la kak takkan nak minum kot" and i mumbled back "manela tahu nak belikan adik" ceh cover.

and the next day he comes again and i saw him wearing a school uniform with dark green pants and light blue tie............... #awkward

the boy that would "cik!" loudly from far, and i would answer"ye!", browse through all the containers once, twice and walk away........... #darnit! he is the above boy.

the guy that would stand in front of the containers and would go "air............................." for about 7 seconds or so. and i would "mende bang?" dlm hati.

the people that would order a drink, and then once i've put in a small plastic bag and ready to hand it to them, would then, then, pronounce a second choice of drink. #sabar jela nyah

the pak haji or imam looking person, i would always try to avoid serving and leave them to my brother. would be so overly-conscious to not touch his hand during the drink-money exchange. #wayyyyawkward

them people yang mase all of us dah settled down nak buke baru nak beli. rase cm nak hmm.. tapi rezeki and customer kot. #sabar itu sebahagian drpd iman

owh not to mention them people who i have trouble deciding which to call. ermm.. kak atau bang? ^^ohmygod them breast are bigger than mine :P #astaghfirullah

and there would always be that ONE person whom i will remember his face and gladly serve to when he comes to buy our drinks everyday ^.^ #teehee

and lotsa of other people, as people are; different and uniquely weird. But these people are, like it or not, the customers, the source of our income and our rezeki. and it's never right to speak ill of the rezeki that we have been lucky to be blessed with.

I remember one time, when i was 11 or 12. I was waiting on my mum's raya cards stall and the young guy(probably 2 or 3 years older than me at the time) was also waiting on the same stuff next stall. We were talking over the barrier between our stalls and a customer interrupted to ask something(im guessing from my memory a lot since my friend here was quite annoyed) about the cards. Then he went and complained to me, spoke ill of that person, something like (very roughly), 'byk plak cekadak die, tak nak bli blah ar'. The language was, pretty harsh. Which might explain the reason when one of his customer who was browsing through suddenly said, 'takleh camtu dik, awak ni mniage...etc'. It was quite a lecture. I can feel that he was pretty embarassed. We didnt talk for a while. I let him be. Point is, because of that incident, I remember that lesson forever after. Even if u feel shitty and that it's much easier to strangle down your difficult customer, keep it inside and just swallow it deep. Not much of a loss.

3. etiquette

SMILE. I am somehow glad that i have been blessed with a pair of lips that can easily shape into a smile or a sweet-looking face even with the slightest pull. In school, people used to comment, 'senyum ape tu sorang2...' but honestly i wasnt. Was just pulling my face in deep thought or just being plain silly. There are times when i feel tad tired and weak, prolly because i just woke up in the afternoon. I do realize though, a lot, that we should always treat the customer like how we want to be treated. If i was buying anything, i'd love it if people would smile and say thank you to me. After all, i am spending money on your stuff. And i shouldn't even describe how a smile can make one's day. Who knows, the people that are buying from you, just had a hard day, and your smile just lifted the burden off their chest, somehow. That's cool, right? So even when im tired, i just pulled my face a bit. Fake, at first, but in time, became real.

Before, i've always made an emo/angker face whenever i am not laughing. I kept hearing that people thought im a hard-to-approach type and that i can't smile. That latter comment kinda hurt me. But surely, there's some truth in their words that i should take note. So now, im trying my best to put on a happy, smiley face all the time because i myself love to look at those people whose smile seems to never fade from their face. It's not that i don't smile, i just...forgot.

CRUSH. Is it actually okay to have a customer crush? haha. I don't think it's cool or right to be flirting with your customer but..errr...ohdear. and it's Ramadhan too! sheesh silly girl..

okay at first i exchanged flirtatious smiles with him, but by time, being the steel heart that i am, started to feel very awkward and disgusted with myself. Then i tried to be less 'intense' haha i hate these words that im coming up with. hmm.. so i guess it's gonna be okay. I'll just be patient for another few days and ramdhan, and bazaar and crush would soon be over. hurahh!

so i guess that's it. of what i can think of, that is.

too much for this untrained brain

A lot of things have been through my mind lately. A LOT of things. No, not in terms of thought, but actions. Stuff that i wanna do, i want to accomplish. Too much that perhaps i need a plan for it. But oh, 'when does our plan ever work?', says harry to brilliant hermione, with bitter frustration and absolute urgency. But honestly, if you dont plan it, how on earth can you make it practical and applicable. Sure, you can be spontaneous, go with the flow. With one-off event yes, but not with routines. And that is what's this all about.

I have known and discovered myself long ago to be a self-enriching and enabling-greedy person. To make it into simpler words, i want to be able to do EVERYTHING. To BE everything.

Beautiful. Brilliant. Strong. Independent. Capable. Graceful. Elegant. Talented.

Okay scratch talented, that's not something i can work on. by definition, it is something possessed from birth. well at least that somehow shows i do realize my limit.

I have been, for the past few months, super-conscious of my beauty aspect.

I started having persistent blemishes on my forehead. Have been swimming in sea of hairs amidst my lecture notes. So i started investing a sum of money on beauty products, which are only good for temporary relief, and none to my hair. Been rummaging through youtube to find suggestions for solutions n i found plenty home-made remedies like facial, daily face care, preventing hair fall which all got pretty good reviews and comments. But, surely it needs consistency, taking care of my beauty. Trying to imagine myself in my to-be-room and house for the next academic year, when exactly am i gonna do all this, mix all those stuff, squeeze them lemons and limes?

Another haunting and bothersome THING/ANIMAL/DEVIL that will always forever spread sprouts of evil in my mind, would of course be my personal financial.

I have been financially independent for a year now and i'd like to keep it that way for the rest of my life. Promised myself i would definitely not ask money from my parents so long as i have my scholarship allowance and i got work. Fortunately i'm a woman, so there's only the need to bother about keeping meself provided and happy. And my family of course, my family family, not my going to be family by marriage pregnancy birth etc. Will be living in a more expensive house next year of 360euro a month, which may not be much of a burden, perhaps. perhaps. perhaps.. (still tokleh trime kenyataan sobbsss) oh well. It's definitely possible to have what leisure i had living for 275euro a month of last year(shit that's a 100 euro plus T_T) if i calmly think about it. Life would definitely be a bit brighter than before, living with people who are actually home, living closer to college, to food shops and shops in general, not to mention school gym in which i plan to go. Yeah, maybe it will pay up. Those 'little things'.

and then there's that whole plan of travelling.

To definitely make full use of each and every day of my holidays. Which will be plenty. I don't know where i plan to go yet, but definitely aspire to cover more grounds, farther. Would be going back studying in malaysia soon after and get allowance according to malaysian student amount, hence, will no longer enjoy the luxury which i usually have of many money, and nearer destinations. Alas, nearer destinations with extra frequency puts pressure on my financial health nevertheless.

Thus i plan to work next semester.

My 3rd sem would be more relaxed, as im always understood, so i think i may have extra time to earn money. Being a medic student frustrates me in many way. It cuts me short of the most valuable resource, time. i need to earn extra money for all the above and below, and also for use when i get back to pmc to buy a car, and extra pocket money to make sure i'll maintain my 'luxuries' even with a fall in allowance.

I wonder, though. would any place at all take a temporary worker for only half a semester? Because the semester after that would be very tough, an introduction to a new phase in my medic studies. We'll start going to hospitals, and be very often asked on what we have learnt the past 3 semesters. i'll have to constantly, regularly revise. Sigh. As to that bothering thought, i will push to the back of my mind for the time being. Let me just find a suitable work first and foremost.

I also plan to enrich myself with musical instrument.

I guess not many knows that i pursue electone course for about a year while im in kmb. I could not continue that for the time being on a matter of cost and practicality issue. All sorts of bothersome stuff. A few months back, i think of pursuing it still, though on piano. The instrument much less heavy and it's more common so it would be easier to find teachers. But now, i have decided to hold off that one and postpone it to perhaps, when i get back to pmc. I'll pursue electone again in penang insyaAllah. I'll make sure to see this one through. As to now, i need to see through my plan to learn guitar. Bought a guitar on impulse last sem. Thought i could learn it off by myself somehow. (It's always like that. i'll make it out, SOMEHOW. i should learn to try to atleast plan something. sigh) I still cant get a hang of it. Will try to find someone to teach me in dublin later. Searching for possible teachers now.

I plan to work out and exercise more often.

As of now, it has officially been more than a year that i did not push myself to run, and really run and put my stamina on the test. i am beginning to feel like a wilting vegetable, gasping over a mere climb of a floor's stairs. Heart pounding over a short sprint(if you'd call it a sprint) and feeling tired, weak all the time. Now that my house is closer to rcsi perhaps i can spend more time at the gym during (any season of the year but especially) winter really early in the morning or late at night. Yeah, so that cancels out the plan for me to buy a certain2 equipment for me to be able to do simple workouts in my own room since i might as well just go to the gym. Yeah! the bright side has shown itself a little..

...and God knows whatever else that pops up in this little brain of mine.

For certain parts, i have already tried to make it a routine. Little by little. Hopefully it will stick through. I aspire to be more efficient in my personal finance, thus im already seeking out ways to achieve that. I'm taking baby steps, that's what they call it. Struggling, wobbly, tumble down every now and then but indefinitely would some day not just walk, but run.

I know, it's so stressful to make plans, yet not knowing how to carry it out, how to find that way. But i have this strong belief that if we know what we want to achieve, that we focus and clarify that end that we want, we will always be aware of the paths, the ways when they come across us. When there's a will, there's a way. It's true. It's not just some hopeful words, but it's what really happens. And if you're want-to-achieve list is as much as mine (hopefully not), it's better to break them in parts and see what's feasible to do first and weave the others in along the way, little by little, one by one.

I pray that i'll see all my plans through, till the end. I pray hard.