Monday, November 29, 2010

where am i looking?

"how to shut myself from the world?"
i wonder each time im trying to find a reason to not care about the world, about the 'others', about contradictions, about point of views.
whenever i'm trying to comfort myself. whenever i feel needy. to convince myself that I alone can go through anything. i dont need to look at the world with hopeful eyes. i dont need to look at them at all.
i need people, society, yes. but not in a sense that i need to attach myself to anyone and always turning to them.

i shouldnt find the need to attach myself to anyone, is what i think.

so i thought, in a way, this is good. let me turn myself back to God, for He is the Almighty, He is Ar-rahman, Ar-rahim, As-sami', Al-alim. He knows, He understands. I have Him, i dun need the world, i dun need people to comfort me, to help me, i wont put my hopes, expectations on people because they are all weak creatures as I am. easily put, if you're a C student why seek tutorial from another C person? pretty obviously dumb thing to do isnt it? but its never really that obviously dumb in real life.

Its so sweet.. if we could be like one of those great people where they only solely completely perfectly exist for God and God only. So i thought, is that how it feels? when u discharge the world contents and only have the afterlife in sight, in heart? to rely only on Allah. to not care about anything else in the world but Him. to not think about anything, but only Him. to prostrate and munajat night and day. how sweet, how sweet, how sweet. :( the greatest love. the sweetest. yet the hardest.
but He is the one who owns everything. He owns my heart and the emotions that lies within. i should pray and ask more, because obviously im not asking enough. owh i need reminder, God remind me please!


how capable am i to shut myself from the world? i have families, friends, school, studies, sponsor, and all the obligations i owe to them. i could not just simply dismiss them, then it would be really unfair for them and common sense is, a really bad attribute that i must absolutely not do. So Allah said to me,

"Seek the gains of the life to come through your wealth without ignoring your share of this life. Do favors to other just as God had done favors to you. Do not commit evil in the land for God does not love the evil-doers." (28;77)

there. however you may take it is absolutely up to you, for each and every word of Him is intimately personal in different ways for different people.
but one thing's for sure. i do NOT shut myself from the world. i just cant.
i'm obliged to the claims of the world in which im required to fulfill.

i need to reach out to both. this life and afterlife.
i dont know...... its tough.
Allah, lend me strength. lots of strength.

all those muamalat, munakahat knowledge. how jahil i am.. those are the basic foundations of fulfilling my 'share' in this world. if i had master them all, perhaps, hopefully..i may find it easier to cope with the dunya part whereby i could at the same time set my sight firmly on akhirat. then, i guess.. , once ive set for akhirat, the reliance on Allah will be much greater and i wont have this feeling, of consciously trying to shut off everyone and the world due to my disappointment for not having my desires fulfilled, my expectations met.

i still have a loooong way to go. pray for me and you and our family and everyone else.

Saturday, October 30, 2010


just got through our first (supposedly) exam in rcsi. phew~

phew? i dont even deserve to let out a relief. i dont have a positive expectation on the result, but then again, i dont have any expectation at all. =/ i didnt have a burden on my shoulder to sigh relief to. i wasnt stressed out like some people did, i didnt work my ass off studying, i didnt let the 37minutes-25questions MCQ bother me at all. test? pfft.... .... aisyah shahrom, silelah berubah weyh. ini bukan zaman sekolah lagi.

just had our first (supposedly) test in rcsi.

the test accounts for about 1.25% of each module. 5 questions from each module. its really insignificant, yes, we're told that it isnt. its just to test our understanding, to assess our position, where we stand actually amidst all the never-ending lectures and anatomy classes. the assessment is not for the school, its for ourselves to see -to make amend where appropriate. in short, its just a scare.
honestly, after they say that, i dont understand why some people even worry about the test.

having the test:
it was all too quiet in the cheyne lecture theater.pass out the questions... yada3. flips the question paper.....oh.
soklan direct je. case yg panjang2 tu tak perlu pon. jawapan spesifik. ok.. aku tidak tahu karena tidak bace.. wats the point in even trying.. ma ramaitu iz ramaita walakinnallah harama. tembak.

but its just a scare. the whole point of the exam is to assess ourselves and to work towards change right? knape nak fikir that spesifik test je. wahai semua marilah fokus kepada long term.

the test triggered the formation of our study group. which is superb. because to start something is the hardest. but we started full blast with the test in mind. n we'll all make sure together that its continuous, God willing. and as for myself personally, it evoked the budak rajin-kyasu feelingness inside of me. kickstarted my study mode, to be more attentive, enthusiastic during lectures. (btw, i think i ike prof. dermot cox, he's so cuteeeeee! XD n eventhough u teach molecular and cellular therapeutics i'd still like ur lectures n topics ;D)

overall.. even without the result, even before the supposedly 'seeing where one stand', im already working towards the betterment.

hopefully this isnt just hangat2 tahi ayam, but i think i know myself well enough.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Dubh Lin ; the black pool

several days after i arrived at dublin, i wonder why i wanted to go study overseas.

the weather so cold.
the locals look at us af if we're intruding.
the foods so unlike home.
the house so quiet it feels crazy.
the school so far from home.
the classmates all...unfamiliar.

but i arrived with a severe flu and landed with a headache, everything seems negative to me. being just flown halfway across the world to start a new life as a student totally independently puts some pressure on me. everything just seems...serabut.

the house, owh when are we moving in, settling down.
the classes, gosh where do we download where do we print the lecture notes, n y the heck is there a class at 8am??
the groceries, wat do we need, wat else, why isnt there much food in the house, wat is there to eat....i need jajan.. :/

but then.. it rained.

it rained it Dublin and i felt my first splash of Irish rain. felt good. :) we were going back from class and its like 6.30pm n dark n i smiled all the way back with a wet face.
someway, somehow, rain makes me feel happy, giddy, cheerful, smiley....peaceful.
it surprises me that even the rain in this dark dull town gives the same effect to me. i get this magical-ish feeling. haha.

n then from there things change.

groceries bought, kitchen stuff is much more complete, more food, less stress. ;)
extremely increasing appetite. hungry all the time. n trust me thats a good sign.
my flu got better, my mood improved, n better anatomy class experience. how i hate to suck in my mucus with the strong smell of cadaver(-_-!)
eating lots and lots of chocolates evryday. wee~
got used to the mild wind, not so chilly anymore, very, very pleasant autumn breeze.
it so quiet here, you can just grab a book and bury your face in it for long hours without being interrupted.(mind you, non-academic books)
it is such a conducive learning environment altogether.

despite being a dull, cold, boring small town.. i think i love it studying here. there, i said it.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

newpostnewpostnewpost! (flyfly)

referring to syarah's comment below which i only read just now.. im writing again NOW! wee.. :D

ok so.. fly matters:

fly matter #1 : brg2 dah siap blom? dah siap packing? kemas btol2. make sure jgn lupe bwk pape.
mlsnye nak pkir. nape soklan yg same ditanye berkali-kali dan oleh org yg lbeh kurang same. oh sungguh tidak menyenangkan. jwpn: bolehla...sket2(jwpn mls juge). tp alhamdulillah.. sket2 siap juga akhirnya. n rasenye ckup la jugak bwk ape yg ade. nak bli byk2 pon duit dah abes. RM1200, skali tgk mcm byk..mmg mcm air, dh namenye pon duit.
am so fighting with my adventurous travelling nature with my average female normal nature.
jeans nak bwk satu je bleh pkai sminggu dlm mase sminggu konpem pg bli vs i wanna bring my beloved skinny jeans also... ;/
bwk baju 2 helai je multipurpose vs cantikla bju ni nak bwk/baju ni baru bli/baju ni blom pkai
hurm..basically, pkaian jela yg poyo. len2 sume konfem kne bwk. so far 25kg. tp tade grads ken ikut basic limit 20kg. nmpaknye kne kurgkan lg. argh!! mlsnye nak bli grads card. :/

fly matter #2 : jomla hantar aku kat airport. ;D
bende yg paling senang skali nak ulas/tambah bile org tanye bile kite fly, fly mane etc. but honestly..seriously..maybe sbb aku tak pnah anta membe fly kowt? .. i dun really understand the sentimental value of sending ppl off... wat do u do when sending ppl off? tgu je pon kan? nape fes time fly nak org anta rmai2? kali kedue ketige n strosnye ta kesah pon?.. :/(ok sedikit emotionless) but i think im starting to get a hint of it dah di ujung2 nak dkat fly ni. rase cam tharu jek membe dtg smte2 nak anta kite n sanggup tgu dgn kite kat epot tu... (i reckon this is the feeling that one is supposed to feel?) but anyways, flight ku pagi pkul 10.05. masuk gate lbih kurang kol 8. bkn rmai bleh anta. ade klas, test etc...apekan daye. tapi ade gak sorang due yg berhajat nk anta aku. yam and pojie....thanx korang.. syg korang :) (ok sgt unlike aisyah shahrom, whatever..)

fly matter #3: ape perasaan anda nak fly?
honestly.....bese2 je. i thought i'd be excited though. a bit maybe. maybe id feel more emotions mase the day nk fly nnt kot.(again, sedikit(?) emotionless).
most ppl lbeh sdeh dr excited..nak mninggalkan mlaysia frens families n everything. but i still feel bese2 je. org lain parents tlg kmas2 isikan luggage, aku prefer utk handle sendiri n mintak tlg mak abt certain things upon my request. what nature is this.."i prefer to handle things by myself, bia taw2 dah siap je, ma jgn isau2, taw2 da siap je". i think its independence. 9 months will fly by so fast.. i just hope the toughness of medic and rcsi will get my minds off from things that i dun wanna think abt.

fly matter #4: dah blaja msk? abesla ko kat sane msk sendiri.
NO! aku belum blaja msk. oh sungguh mls. nak, tapi... suasana tak kondusif. tak pandai la. mcm mane nak blaja masak dgn mak weh? aku slalu je tgu tepi dapur tu tnye sket2.. slalu je observe.. kmahuan itu carenye?? ok.. cmni3, ckp2, ok dah siap msk..boleh classify as blaja msk ke tu? klau camtu slalu je bwat. but wateva. im pretty confident in my experimenting skills. my solution: my mum's just gonna write everything in an exercise book, then i'll just follow the instructions. mudah. yg lain2 i'll just learn and discover by experience n tnye kwn2.

okaaaayhh. thats pretty much all the highlights of nak terbang. today is my last day kat jb for this year. tonight is the last night i'll be spending in my beloved comfy bed which i love so much and dearly..bye2 my room, bye2 kucing, bye2 umah, bye2 kg pasir putih, bye2 jb. esok grak kl lpas solat jumaat. moga dipermudahkan sgalenye. Amin~~