Monday, November 21, 2011

polar opposites

When you asked if i wan't to work things out, you may refer to the current condition. Not I. Why do you think i took so long to give you an answer. And you went ahead and gave me that disappointed, sad, broken tone of voice. I don't want this to end just yet, me too, but i'm not sure where we're going either. So out of about 70% positive, i said 'yes, i do'. Such words, for me is a promise. Because i am 200% sure that this will happen again and again in the future, one of these things. They bound to be, when different opinions and personalities clash. They don't dissolve perfectly. They crash and hit hard on the surface, and then maybe, God-willing, begin to find spaces to seep into each other. and for us, they're not just differing opinions...they're opposites.

You would say a solid no when i say a solid yes.

I say things that i thought should evoke fun and laughter, but you went ahead and be mad about it and left me so devastated feeling sorry about something i don't even realise i did, or didn't mean to do. You know when you meant well, but people suddenly get all worked up about it you feel so disappointed and angry? I know you know that feeling. I know i did that to you at least once.

I have never felt so low yet so high with someone, just one person, before. This feels downright weird. If i love myself a little more than i do now, i would do well protecting myself from the harm that you can do or bring to me. Whenever this happens, my self-esteem would dive down like crazy. I hate it when i feel bad about myself. I mean, other people can not like me, but it is absolutely unacceptable for me to not like me. and i hate the fact that somebody else instead of myself is affecting my view of myself. I'm a long thinker. I think long and hard. I think short and far. I think about me, you and all. I think a lot. I thought, should i? am I the right one? or are you? Can this work? like, really2 there such thing as being TOO different?

I don't ever wanna start something that i don't want to end properly.

Today is today. What is to become of tomorrow? or the next day? or next year? 5 years to come? 10 and so on? Perhaps, by that time i should have gotten to know you well enough to know which button to press and which to avoid, keeping my hands to myself. To protect me from the danger of the 'unknown'. Yes, unknown. I don't pretend to act innocent because i think it's cute. I act innocent because I honestly don't know. I.Honestly.Don't. Thank God you're not playing the 'blaming game' too. I might be a tad crazier if that were the case. As for me, if i were to blame anyone, i could not blame anybody. Maybe just myself for not being able to be sensitive and see with emotional sight. ;( see? lowering my value.

I'm not her, she's not me. Don't expect me to be somebody i'm not.

You and i come from a different background, different family style, different circle of friends, social activity and education. I was brought up in this rigid system, like everybody else i know. School, sbp/mrsm, strive for the best spm result, strive for scholarship, any scholarship regardless of the course, most of us were still not sure about our future. Then SPC, then kmb/kms, then fly, then go back, get a job, get married etc very mundane. Very rigid. Very dependable on the system. So don't blame me for being one of 'those' people. I was moulded this way. I don't have my own wants and needs initially when my 'life' began. I went with the flow instead. So you can see how typically imprinted i am. You're right you know. Being judged, being stereotyped really does hurt. I know it was true, what went at the back of your head is true, but it hurts nevertheless. Those words... Because i reflect a lot, and it always comes back to that. Being me. What made me, me.

You speak of disappointment, of expectations. That next time you wouldn't expect such and such. Well, you know what, you SHOULD NOT have in the first place. Relationships are about accepting the other person for who they are. I daresay we quite barely knew each other, so, how would you dare associate me with any behaviour? Those are your expectations, they should not be my problem. Those are what you expect to get from your partner. Wake up call, real love don't expect. They give and accept whatever's given, and deal with it. Sometimes i wonder if you see someone else instead of me.

But you like differences, and i like challenge.

My words are given. I said, i want to make things work and thus however hard, i will strive towards that. Till it does 'work'. Because i don't leave things like this halfway. I know darn well this is not something that i can walk in and out easily. I walked in, I won't come out and step all over your heart if, if, there isn't a very good reason to. That's how big those words mean to me. That you made me say over a ten-minutes decision. I hope you realise that. They say the best relationship is when both can accept each other's differences. Well i guess, we have a lot in hand to make this one.