Friday, October 10, 2014

The wondering and pondering regarding well, marriage.

One of the grand questions at my age that I've started to pay more attention to is the the purpose of marriage. Sure there are so many opinions and 'reasoning' especially so eagerly given by the lovesick newlyweds in which I'm inclined to be repulsive to due their clouded reasoning and strong emotional assertiveness. What they give me are expression of themselves instead of discussion of the material itself, what marriage really is. I would love to shove as harshly as possible to these group of people the question, "do you not feel that way because you've been up all night thinking about him/her, wishing to hug, and ultimately have sex?' Of course you would deny in an instant, but of course. It's been culturally and religiously educated to you (if at all) that marriage is sacred and is carried out for the Deen, everything for the sake of Allah. why of course, but if you have nothing other than 'to complete half of my Deen', 'to get the blessing of Allah swt' or 'because it's the nature of human to want company' then seriously, you ought to question yourself; How much do I actually understand about marriage?

Those 'reasonings' obviously shallow as they sound are quite frankly borrowed ideas. Which means you do not have an idea of your own regarding marriage and how dangerous it is to be sailing the vast sea known to be vicious and adventurous, not knowing that the water isn't plain? Yet people, so hard has the brain and the heart froze from the strength of the nafs that it didn't want to turn back, to reconsider, to think, to reflect or to learn. Until the nafs is satisfied, nothing will stand in its way, unless distracted. Most people however (myself not excluded) have great difficulty in curbing and distracting it. What happens to nafs after it's fulfilled? Sure enough, it cease to exist until the next unknown surge and the heart and the mind are left to take the after-effect. This is what happens a few years after marriage, when the Nafs has been greatly fulfilled, when people feel that the 'love' is no longer as strong, no longer there.

Which then brings me to my own. Even as i say all these, when average person may not think complicated stuff the way I do, I myself is having trouble to figure out; WHAT IS MARRIAGE? Let's just cut off the point where I had silly ideas about it and consider them obsolete. There are many ideas, especially if you scroll down on facebook there would be so many articles the likes of; 'how to have a long happy marriage' or 'tips on happy healthy relationship', oh you know what. At one point I began to believe that marriage is a partnership, that's why they call it a life partner. You share the same space, the same capital, investments and reward. I believe that you can't find a person similar to you, that you don't have to have similar everything to make it work. That you can just be your own persons as long as you're able to run in close parallel to each other, from beginning until the end. As long as you respect that you are not running the same course, that you are two different persons, masters of their own will and that their paths must not be interrupted or combined. In some way that is my idea of a marriage; a life partnership of two different people.

While that's grand and everything (also it almost fulfills all the criteria the 'good happy relationship/marriage etc), I can't help but question myself again. That could not be just it? We are Muslims, Islam is our way of life, we worship Allah the Almighty and He has his ways, His secrets. We are not just body we are also soul. We have a pre-set goal: the After-life. I mean I'm starting to sound mystique, i know, but I just wished that these ideas will be included in the understanding of marriage. Keeping them in mind while building the foundation of matrimony. Somewhat like having a vision and mission before you start any company or any projects. It must come from your own understanding, so that you will be able to communicate your ideals down the line so that the whole institution moves as a unit and sustains for a long time, having a clear and worthwhile direction. Instead of borrowing the vision and mission from others' projects cause we're just so lazy thinking it must be the same anyway cause we're doing the same thing. Only, the error is that the person does not understand what he has borrowed. I'm sure we've all been there, under both the capable and incapable leaders. Where one seems to make the project bombastic while the next kills it altogether.

I strongly believe that if I am able to understand then I am ready. Finishing studies, having a stable income and all those stuff just falls as the lower down priorities. Having the mind, however cliche that may sound, proved to be the most difficult yet fundamental preparation.

When I decided to open my blogspot I wanted to question myself whether I'm commitment phobic and if I do is it related to my lack of understanding of marriage institution. well... yes because the idea of being tied down to one person still seems so boring and un-adventerous to me. and also no.. in a sense that I know I will want to be married at some point, for the right reasons, at the most convenient time. Yeah. So maybe I am at the moment also affected by my lack of understanding about marriage leading to the non-existent desire to settle down just yet because I do not know as to now, the purpose for that matter.

Obviously you can see, I think but with very little knowledge. I realise that and that is my flaw, a quite dangerous one actually but it's okay because I have a natural tendency to be critical on every opinion and also the flexbility to change my own stands so I won't really be misleaded by my own 'syok sendiri' view. InsyaAllah.