It's times like these it made me wonder, why always the same person. Why doesn't it happen to that person who seems to have it smooth throughout the years. I know it's easy to say, life is fair and everyone is fighting a different battle but really, why me? I know, it is a poisonous question, the very phrase that questions my self worth, the manifestation of self doubt but I really desperately need to make something out of this.
Maybe it's my lack of worry, my lack of natural anxiety. I put in as much effort as other people I'm sure. I am not a sprinter I am a slow jogger. I have a go at a relaxed pace, is that my downfall?
Really though what does it matter. Sometimes I get what I want, sometimes I don't. What does it matter. What will be will be and what won't will never ever happen even with the might of thousand geniuses' effort.
I cried for hours, fell asleep and cried again but the same night I managed to knock some sense into myself and calmed down. People say I'm strong. I hear that a lot throughout my life. But what does it really mean?? To my heart it just sounds like loneliness. A solo act, not being able to share or hope on others. An understanding, that it doesn't matter what I feel or what I think. That life must go on nevertheless. A foresee that a thousand rants are meaningless even if for a temporary comfort's sake I wish to do so.
I'm tired I really am. When all goes well I become lost, I couldn't drag myself into the truth, the right path of life. When it doesn't go very well, I'm still lost. I have no idea where to bring myself to. The person that seemed to offer a slight hope cannot help having the ulterior motive.
Maybe I shall see later in life what this all leads me to. In the meantime I'll have to comfort myself, even if I do not see it, that I have that sour plum at the back of my onigiri too.