Wednesday, June 17, 2015

I wonder what does it look like, the sour plum at the back of my onigiri.

read from right to left

It's times like these it made me wonder, why always the same person. Why doesn't it happen to that person who seems to have it smooth throughout the years. I know it's easy to say, life is fair and everyone is fighting a different battle but really, why me? I know, it is a poisonous question, the very phrase that questions my self worth, the manifestation of self doubt but I really desperately need to make something out of this.

Maybe it's my lack of worry, my lack of natural anxiety. I put in as much effort as other people I'm sure. I am not a sprinter I am a slow jogger. I have a go at a relaxed pace, is that my downfall?

Really though what does it matter. Sometimes I get what I want, sometimes I don't. What does it matter. What will be will be and what won't will never ever happen even with the might of thousand geniuses' effort.

I cried for hours, fell asleep and cried again but the same night I managed to knock some sense into myself and calmed down. People say I'm strong. I hear that a lot throughout my life. But what does it really mean?? To my heart it just sounds like loneliness. A solo act, not being able to share or hope on others. An understanding, that it doesn't matter what I feel or what I think. That life must go on nevertheless. A foresee that a thousand rants are meaningless even if for a temporary comfort's sake I wish to do so.

I'm tired I really am. When all goes well I become lost, I couldn't drag myself into the truth, the right path of life. When it doesn't go very well, I'm still lost. I have no idea where to bring myself to. The person that seemed to offer a slight hope cannot help having the ulterior motive.

Maybe I shall see later in life what this all leads me to. In the meantime I'll have to comfort myself, even if I do not see it, that I have that sour plum at the back of my onigiri too.