Tuesday, April 17, 2012


so tired of feeling like i'm wrong all the time. tired of considering other people.

i wish i have my friends near me. so that they'd understand. Then they can give a better opinion. their words always seem so reasonable, always amaze me. Opinions with justifications that i can't afford to deny, make me readily accept. Without having to use harsh words, or a play of emotion.

Sometimes i'm not sure what to do with myself or what to decide on certain things. So serba salah. I feel like i want to consult people all the time, but that's not realistically possible.

At certain point, i know something's wrong. The moment i deny it i know they are right. I look like im not okay, i look sad. But i just don't know how to tell. where to start, what to tell even. Because i myself don't know what's wrong with me. i wish people can tell me instead.

Maybe i'm just tired. physically tired. Less capable of coping with the changing season than others. the time of the year where days are longer than night. when it seems so long to wait for night to fall, and so early it lifts again.

anyone going for kak nisha's wedding? teringat terus insiden di SR 2A. endah? mariam? hehe. tak nak pergi wedding 'kakak'?

Friday, April 13, 2012

another one of spring's 'kick'

I wonder if spring is really as glorious and fresh and happy and colourful as people,and so me included, perceive to be.

So i haven't been writing any blog posts recently. Broke my own record of trying to have at least one post every month. For my own satisfaction, for keep's sake. So that at one point i can look back and smile and share again the emotions that i poured into every writings that i made. 'Writings', i instantaneously notice, is maybe a bit an overrated word for these.

Perhaps, i admit, to a certain extent is because i have someone who are ever so willing to listen, to receive what i offer to share, to distract me from dullness and bring me to glow. So on one side, i rarely write anymore because i don't need to due to my being seldom down and sad, no more only having my own self to whine satisfactorily to, and on the other side, it's because i have my time filled by being up or always making effort towards it.

However, recently i find myself lifted from that blissful feeling into the solemn and deep self-reflective like-i-have-nothing-better-to-do self that i was before. Always complaining to the point that i sever almost every ear my voice can reach. How do i know? By the reactions that i get of course, and further amplified by the reactions i give in return. Which i regard as somewhat immature and, well, mengada-ngada. Yes, i admit. And i'm so disgusted and annoyed with myself right now.

But another side of me wants to defend myself still. Because most of what that are causing the down moments are things which are opposing my nature.

Last week i planned to go to barcelona. I decided to go on impulse, bought the ticket that night, and went to uk the next day. For some twisted fate, Allah has not meant for us to go. There was an air traffic strike in france, causing the flight to be cancelled because they aren't able to go across france air because that is the protocol. I was terribly hung by the cancellation, though we came up immediately with a back up holiday which i comfort myself in for the disappointment.

Then the further and further disappointment that i get when even the backup plans went astray. We just, practically spent 5, or 6 days doing nothing much but laze around, pretty much just pampering ourselves in london. Now you might think that that's not too bad. But i have limited time here in dublin, near uk and europe. I want to discover, set foot to as much places as i can. There were so much things that i wanted to do, and had chances to do, but we didn't. So i got so very much disappointed that i felt like crying when we were finally going back, and i looked back. The thought of spending a sum of money equivalent to me being able to discover one new country on something that are as mundane as shopping complexes, movies, restaurants and, well nothing else shreds me to extreme distress.

I know i am not giving enough credit for the trip. I did get to realize my childhood dream of watching the phantom of the opera on theater play, and we went to brighton beach for a couple of snaps here and there, had a good amount of fun spending time and money at the arcade at the pier. Still, that is such a small proportion of the whole trip that it makes me fret and condemn as a whole nevertheless.

And it doesn't help with people keep saying 'boring gila spend time kat london' all the time everywhere. Well it could have been not so boring! There were lots of things that we could have done! that i wanted to do.

And i am being kept away from fretting and whining because of the argument that i am not being thankful, not appreciating, i am being difficult and despite myself, everyone else is having fun. Well i have a different definition of fun when it comes to holiday and travel. When i decide to spend my not so much money extravagantly for a holiday, I'd like them to be on something new and worthy, so that i won't regret, so that when i wince at the small figure in my account i have something to comfort me, something that won't make me regret. That at least i did it the way i wanted to, because i wanted to.

The whole thing was so messed up that i finally gave up. Gave away to my hopelessness, shed some of the burden of disappointment along with my tears so that i could just hold on, until the whole thing is over. Until everything is behind us and i can pretend that i don't mind, that i don't care. I gave such a sad and quiet impression to fahrin he must think i'm rude. and it's not everyday you get to see a celebrity.

and i am still mad and disappointed. The only comfort i take was the holiday that was promised to me for summer. WAS. As in that's not gonna happen either. That made me fall into such deep grief, disappointment after disappointment. I never regret what happened, but i regret the things that didn't happen. Especially when i have the power and option to make them happen.

Which brings me to my recent predicament. of my being so fragile and getting sad over every single little thing that are insignificant and tiny. It's only safe to conclude that i am at my down moments, where i don't wanna think for myself, i'm too lazy to do things. It's not helping either, what's with having to decide on my plans for summer, finding a house to rent next semester, i almost feel like cursing all the time. I feel so bad, i can't stop whining. Nobody wants to hear me whine. Nobody can help me except for myself. So some time soon i have to hurry it up and pick up the pieces.

Some time soon, i hope. because i'm so tired of feeling so helpless.