Monday, November 29, 2010

where am i looking?

"how to shut myself from the world?"
i wonder each time im trying to find a reason to not care about the world, about the 'others', about contradictions, about point of views.
whenever i'm trying to comfort myself. whenever i feel needy. to convince myself that I alone can go through anything. i dont need to look at the world with hopeful eyes. i dont need to look at them at all.
i need people, society, yes. but not in a sense that i need to attach myself to anyone and always turning to them.

i shouldnt find the need to attach myself to anyone, is what i think.

so i thought, in a way, this is good. let me turn myself back to God, for He is the Almighty, He is Ar-rahman, Ar-rahim, As-sami', Al-alim. He knows, He understands. I have Him, i dun need the world, i dun need people to comfort me, to help me, i wont put my hopes, expectations on people because they are all weak creatures as I am. easily put, if you're a C student why seek tutorial from another C person? pretty obviously dumb thing to do isnt it? but its never really that obviously dumb in real life.

Its so sweet.. if we could be like one of those great people where they only solely completely perfectly exist for God and God only. So i thought, is that how it feels? when u discharge the world contents and only have the afterlife in sight, in heart? to rely only on Allah. to not care about anything else in the world but Him. to not think about anything, but only Him. to prostrate and munajat night and day. how sweet, how sweet, how sweet. :( the greatest love. the sweetest. yet the hardest.
but He is the one who owns everything. He owns my heart and the emotions that lies within. i should pray and ask more, because obviously im not asking enough. owh i need reminder, God remind me please!


how capable am i to shut myself from the world? i have families, friends, school, studies, sponsor, and all the obligations i owe to them. i could not just simply dismiss them, then it would be really unfair for them and common sense is, a really bad attribute that i must absolutely not do. So Allah said to me,

"Seek the gains of the life to come through your wealth without ignoring your share of this life. Do favors to other just as God had done favors to you. Do not commit evil in the land for God does not love the evil-doers." (28;77)

there. however you may take it is absolutely up to you, for each and every word of Him is intimately personal in different ways for different people.
but one thing's for sure. i do NOT shut myself from the world. i just cant.
i'm obliged to the claims of the world in which im required to fulfill.

i need to reach out to both. this life and afterlife.
i dont know...... its tough.
Allah, lend me strength. lots of strength.

all those muamalat, munakahat knowledge. how jahil i am.. those are the basic foundations of fulfilling my 'share' in this world. if i had master them all, perhaps, hopefully..i may find it easier to cope with the dunya part whereby i could at the same time set my sight firmly on akhirat. then, i guess.. , once ive set for akhirat, the reliance on Allah will be much greater and i wont have this feeling, of consciously trying to shut off everyone and the world due to my disappointment for not having my desires fulfilled, my expectations met.

i still have a loooong way to go. pray for me and you and our family and everyone else.