Alhamdullillah 'ala kulli hal, wa astaghfirullah 'ala kulli zanbi. I think the most beneficial thing I came out with after the hardships and tests in life up to this point is that I acquire the consciousness and the ability to stop and perceive the whole situation in a larger scale. To be able to do that at what I think is a young age of 25, I think I am very lucky to be blessed with a wakeful mind that tends to reflect.
I truly think that when a test comes, it comes in a successive manner, that you have barely room to breathe but you will not have room enough to recover until everything that has been decreed upon has been carried out (ie all the tests). At least that's how my pattern of life is.
This time, at the first pang of event I was caught by surprise, which I shouldn't but I did, because I was struggling with my level of faith at the time. I failed my med school professional exam. Just one more step towards having that degree, but I stumbled at the very end. All those years and all those struggles, I just wanted things to be done and over with, you know. I wasn't graceful in accepting it. I cried for hours, got tired, slept, woke up crying again. but being the naturally detached me, I felt relieved after hearing my parents say that it was OK. As long as they both stand by me, I dont really care about a degree, or failure, or success, or anything really. (Gotta be scary being me). I got up, read manga and felt okay. Continued my life as usual. My success is just delayed, I just have to take the re-sit test and pass. There isn't much complication and honestly, it's not that bad. Just sucks not being able to attend the graduation ceremony with your friends and have to wait a whole year for the next one.
But then a good few weeks later, I was faced with test of human and feelings, which comes in two separate events. The first one I cried so hard because I was in the midst of giving way to depression, being alone in the room, trying to adjust to living temporarily in Penang. At that time I started to find God. You see, when you are depressed, you don't even have the drive to do all the antidepressant means, like taking care of yourself, exercise to release serotonin, going out to meet friends, so I turned to Allah and prayed that He give me strength to just be able to pick myself up and carry on day by day. I started to feel again for Him. Part two though, was sharp, because it's a test of another human being. Being misjudged and I felt wronged. But.. Allah is Kind. He gave me comfort through kind words from an old acquaintance. The words that I've been needing to hear, the way it should be said. I calmed down, and I realise that day, that I am being given another 'round' of battle to fight through; the failure, the relationship, and this and what might come next. One which if I turned out victorious, will be granted with unspeakable rewards, but if I fail, will do nothing but destroy me. Hence I realised, I am being watched.
Im not gonna lie and say the realisation made me totally forgot about the individual problems but it helps mightily. The only times they bother me is when I let loose my mind that I gave chance for the Devil's whisper to enter. Thinking and replaying and the what ifs do nothing but hurt and weaken me. I have no time to be weak not now not anytime in this world. I have to use all the consciousness that God gave me and turn it into something beneficial that can help save me in the Afterlife.
Turning lemon into lemonade.
Knowing me, this state might not last very long. haha. Maybe 2-3 months. Maybe more. What is more important is that I seize this opportunity, all this hurt, struggles and difficulties, and ask Allah to give as much bounty, reward and compensation as possible, so that it may compensate my sins and save me from hellfire. That I take this sense of consciousness as an opening for me to be closer to Allah and get to know him through getting to know myself.and this, getting to know myself will be a long, hard process. I pray that He send me a guide to help me because it's freaking hard okay to understand this world as a concept of a whole through one, and One through whole and more.
IN a hadith, the Prophet (pbuh) said:
"Wonderful is the affair of the believer! His affairs in enirety are good for him: if good befalls him, he is thankful, and that is good for him. And if harm befalls him, he is patient, and that is good for him. And this (propsperous state of being) is only for the believer."
'I am with the thoughts of My slave towards me, se let him think of me as he pleases."
In terms of orang lain tu.. takpelah. It's better to just let go. If i hold on to it, replay or even think about it, It's like I purposely hold on to a heavy burden in my hand when I can actually just let it down on the floor. In the end, everyone is a test for everyone, I must only look at and worry about my reaction and performance in accepting the test so that I may not miss out on all the goodness that I may have been entitled to depending on my reaction. It is best to forgive, and to carry on.
"The Muslim is the person whose tongue and hand do not harm other Muslims. and the Believer is he whom others trust, with their blood and wealth.
"Verily, Allah ordered me to keep relations with those that cut me off, to forgive the one who does injustice with me, and to give to those who withhold from me."
"Those who repress anger, and who pardon men; verily Allah loves the good-doers." (3:134)
"Give to such people glad tidings of imminent reward in this world, in terms of peace and tranquility. Also give glad tidings to them of great reward in the Hereafter, of Paradise, wherein they will be in close proximity to their forgiving Lord"
Eventually all the pieces fall into place. Until then, laugh at the confusion, live for the moment and know that everything happens for a reason.
We are just a speck of dust inside a giant's eye.
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