Sometimes i feel frustrated with my lack of creativity; to produce or think of something out of nothing. While i have been so long content with my significant ability of being innovative, to turn and twist things to make them more interesting or as they say spice things up, to compensate for this lacking, sometimes i guess...i'm just jealous.
It's a bad thing to have really, jealousy. Because it means that you are insecure. that you want the things others have that you don't. Well, pardon me. I, I am insecure. That perhaps is indicative of me being ungrateful and less appreciative of my own value. Which in turn,as you may expect, contributes to the down gradient of my self-esteem...
and you should know damn well that i hate it when i feel that way.
Initiative, to me, is a very close attribute to creativity. See, i do realise, after going through a few rounds of experiments with myself in this so called circus of life, that i do have some awesome thoughts and ideas at the back of my head. Sometimes. People may not know it but i am a big dreamer. I do dream about things, here and there, this and that...and when i do, i dream high and hard. Just the way dreams should be. However, Behaviour and Attitudes have not been blessing me with their kindness. I am lazy, i am a slacker, i am very easy-going. I do aspire all these big stuffs, it's just that at the same time i still have the thought of 'mehh, i can still live without it' or 'i really don't mind'. Saves me from a lot of headaches. Likewise, 'saved' me from a lot of opportunities.
So after a series of 'why couldn't i be/think like that' i began to feel hopeless and pathetic. Like i'm not doing something meaningful with my life. I know... to live life happily, we should focus on what we have instead.
mann.. sometimes i hate myself when putting out thoughts like this because i always find it hard to finish any thoughts at all because in the middle of it, some countering thought would come along and destroy the whole point of the statement i was intially trying to make which then makes it meaningless to say anything at all in the first place. but for this purpose i shall ignore this annoying counter argument and lay down my point completely. D:<
When i see these clubs and organisations that i can be a part of but i'm not, i feel really sad. Not to say i have a natural leadership trait or anything but i have always been like that, always, since school. The sense of being a part of something. Slowly, not at all times, though consistent. Librarian in standard 4, almost made head librarian in standard 5 had i not been appointed prefect. Head Prefect in standard 6, after only being prefect for a year beating my best friend who has always been thought to be the head because she's been in the job for 3 years, not to mention a teachers' favourite. Penolong Ketua Tingkatan which is as good as ketua tingkatan because we girls almost all the time do all the work, form 1 and form 2, form 3 i declined the post. Form 4 voted PKT again, but i was appointed prefect so had to let go of the job. Form 5 i was President of english society and we managed to tackle the cancellation of the so much anticipated english week by substituting with our very own, English Carnival. And that year, i am proud to say, English society had at least made its name after being invisible for so long eventhough we don't win the best society or anything like that. I was also commandant for PBSM marching team, and the vice president.
Then, what happened? here's what. KMB. Kolej MARA Banting and all it's evil associations. I was elected as Wakil Pelajar although people may not really vote because of my manifesto or me personally, i don't care. I was really uncanny and unfamiliar of the MPP system because i came from as good as a daily school. But all these people, majority of which from SBP, MRSM were like, 'brought up' in it. I mean i really want to try out my luck and run for the election, but honestly, i didn't know what i was doing. I was so confused. I only actually filled the form at the thought that i might regret it if i don't try out for this. And i hold on to that, still. I admit, i lack strong will. I don't actually have a reason to do it. I only have a reason to not do it. Which, as you might expect, directly and with haste brought me to my first predicament; manifesto. Well..yeah, i just told you, i don't have one. Wrong move. So i made up something, but not sounding like i'm promising anything which you might expect to be...unconvincing, weak. In conclusion, my manifesto speech was crap.
But somehow i got elected anyway. I ranked number 9. To be frank, i think it's because i looked decent enough, in my picture, cause that's how people vote anyway, based on looks, me included. Physical looks matter man, like it or not. That's how the world rolls. Then i got the role Secretary. To tell you the truth, i really like the position of secretary. I can boss people around, lead people to productive and realistic discussions, and not worry much about work. And I did come out with a brilliant idea from a secretary's point of view, to improve MPP's document keeping. I wasn't so successful at following the plan through, however, with all the assignments and studies that i'm even barely keeping up with. Ugh, i tried so hard to change my life, my everything, how to approach every single problem just to make things work. But IB is just soooooooo volatile. It's like a typhoon, always changing. I was struggling, just to adapt! When can i have the space to work on my studies, assignments, and above all at the same time, keeping my sanity, all my faculties intact?
Also, i was so really frustrated with my team members. Worse than me, some ran the election not out of their own will. Where's the sense in that? The beginning was so very immature it drove me to madness. Seriously! and a whole lot of other thing that, you know, if not everyone is up to it or enthusiastic about the job, then really, it's not gonna get that far. Plus, this is where i learn, the less people you work with, the better. Don't get me wrong, two heads are definitely better than one, but not to the point that there's not really a significant job to the position, just to have that position. Okay i am getting emotional, but you get my point. After KMB i promised myself if i'm gonna take up any other position, i'm gonna be sure about what i'm doing.
But really though, opportunities never wait. So i am having a lot of internal conflicts. To be or not to be... From experience i learnt what i ought to do, but i can't help to feel what i feel when things like this happen. When i have the opportunity to be in control, to be ahead of things, to represent and voice out instead of keeping things in because if it's not to the right people you voice out to, better not say anything at all. To take matters into my own hands. To be around the people who are 'aware', who talks about improvements, who are dedicated on making a better this and that.
To do that, it means i have to present myself, to show to people what i have and mark my words...certain people, people who actually work to make the world a better place, don't just wanna see a good personality. They want great, new and fresh ideas and that, my friend, is the whole purpose of this depressing post. I rarely have one.
When things like this happen i'd always end up comforting myself(as usual). To accept myself for who i am. Be true to my convictions, my beliefs and to not be affected of what i see of other people. Well i guess, Allah knows best. I'll just return to Him for guidance. Everything has been set, my course of life, my qadar. I'll just pray for the best. To live my best with what i have.
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