A footnote it is, a footnote it shall be.
Today i went to a carwash with syamim, just because i thought somebody hasn't clean that car for a while so i might just pamper it. and you know what, I'm so glad i did.
The uncle who washed our car was very friendly. We started to talk and he suddenly went and started giving advices to us. I can see how he would be prone to, seeing us, two young girls, studying medic. Apparently he was an engineer, but he ended up running a car wash business because he didn't like the life he had. Especially the people he had to deal with. ''Orang sekarang tak macam orang
dulu. Sekarang orang jahat2 tak boleh percaya.'' and he reminded us to never trust anyone, just keep faith to yourself and God.
He used to be a monk too. haha. Interesting uncle. He basically pesan us a lot la. Remember God, always pray, mengaji. If he is not a buddhist i'm quite sure he'd be a good muslim. Dia kata hidup ni tak payah busuk hati, nanti karma datang balik. ''Sekarang lain tau dengan dulu, dulu kalau buat kena dekat anak cucu, sekarang kalau sendiri buat, sendiri kena. Kalau orang buat kita, kita diam saja, tak payah buat orang balik. Tak payah ikut orang, kita kena ok dengan diri sendiri. Orang sekarang kadang banyak duit sombong, bangga, tapi nanti mati tak ada apa, bawak satu kain saja. Kita datang kosong, kita balik kosong maa..''
I was so taken aback. I was so really touched actually to suddenly get a reminder like that. Very unexpected. I strongly believe that whatever is heard by the ears are meant for us to hear kan? I rasa macam nak nangis, because earlier during the day I was affected by something of the past and it really brought me down. And suddenly, in less than 12 hours, Allah pujuk me with this kind encounter. I feel so blessed and terharu.
That uncle lived a very modest life. The house was very modest. ''Saya happy, sihat, anak ceria, makan cukup, oklahh.. Kita kalau takde duit janganlah sampai menangis. Duit ada tak payah suka, duit tak ada, jangan menangis. Itu duit pun bukan kita yang punya. Orang Thailand kata, (insert some thai here), you cannot catch the wind. Money is like the wind, can you catch the wind?''
You see?
''Saya cakap awak eh, badan sihat, ingat Allah, hormat parents, you happy lah. Parents very important tau, you jangan sekali-kali marah kat diorang. Kalau you rasa sangat marah pun dia ada buat apa, jangan marah. Parents dulu yang jaga kita, nanti kita tua dah ada anak sendiri kita harap anak2 nak jaga kita juga kan?''
and banyak lagi kot. yang penting i just remember feeling so blessed and so inspired to be tenang and feel satisfied..
The things you encounter in the streets...
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
clinique
Whattheduck. Tiba2 rasa nak tulis review.
It's 1.37 am and I'm usually still up because I wake up after 12 so I somehow ended up, going through beauty tips and reviews.
Okay honestly I've only really care to properly want to look proper for everyday proper look about maybe starting last October. I had friends asking me, why the change? My answers are various, depending on my mood. Some of them, the typical, yeah..dah besar, dah wanita, most of them is because I just kinda don't have stuff to do. Medic student don't have stuff to do, wow, touche'.
Anywho, for some twisted fate, I ended up entering Debenhams before going back from Dublin the other day (or week, rather) aaaand tiba2 nak usha clinique because I've always heard good reviews about it. Honestly, make up doesn't mean much if your skin isn't flawless to begin with. I just don't believe in heavy make-ups.
Oh you just don't, just don't usha if you are not ready to buy. Well as usual, the 'consultant' asked if she could help. Obviously I needed one, was kinda clueless. I initially just wanted to look for a facial cleanser. I've been using mish-mash products for more than a year. Took the best product out of different brands. Apparently that works for me, but most of it, I just kinda disagree with the habit of buying all the product line of one brand just cause one suits you. It's just too damn expensive to keep changing everything.
So from then, up until now, been about maybe three weeks, I've been using this proper clinique set which is supposedly customized to my skin. I have combination dry-oily skin. Which is mostly annoying because i'm very sensitive on the cheek area but soooo very heavy on the t-zone. And to top that, I am so blmish-prone. just one day, one day, without proper face care, and it will just pop out in clusters. 0bhc)&^&BGhjRCvhdsvye37*&"!
First thing, the lady suggested me this cleansing foam, to get rid of my make up (as she observed that i, at the time, wore sloppy foundation and eyeshadows) and will also help deal with the blemishes as well. She said, 'You'll definitely need these', while observing my face. Mmmah, definitely.
It's really just a fluffy foam and done like how you would usually clean your face. it's kinda strong.
And then Clinique does this 3 steps face thing. First one is cleansing. I use this mild facial cleanser, usually used for combination skin.
This one's a bit softer, you just mix it with water to become a lather.
Step 2 is exfoliate.
Clinique clarifying lotion for dry combination skin. It's like a toner, but this stuff is super strong. It literally sizzles your face. Just dab it with soft cotton across your face making sure it covers every area at least once.
Step 3, moisturise.
This stuff is like concentrated water across your face.It's cool and very refreshing. But it also means that it's not that thick. Sometimes I have to apply twice to make sure my skin is dewy and supple.
This is the only thing that I'm disappointed with. The best moisturiser would be one that does everything. Moisturise and especially protect. So now I'm just depending on my body shop extra virgin minerals liquid foundation (whatever the hell extra virgin means) which contains spf20. I kinda wanna at least spf 30 for malaysia...yeah. I might just switch just the moisturiser, or i'll need to find facial sunscreen later.
oh and the final touch, especially for my all-year-round blemish-prone skin, anti blemish spot treatment gel.
Just thin layers of dots on the blemishes. This stuff is super strong, it'll make your pimple cry tears of blood. just kidding. it'll just dry them out to prunes. Great stuff. If anything, i want to always have this to my access.
So far it's nice, it's great in fact. I think my skin has gotten a bit more radiant. It starting to become that expensive cosmetic user look. I just need more determination to stick to my beauty regime. urghh. It really is just the routine and sticking to it. Not really anything fancy.
Till later- xx
It's 1.37 am and I'm usually still up because I wake up after 12 so I somehow ended up, going through beauty tips and reviews.
Okay honestly I've only really care to properly want to look proper for everyday proper look about maybe starting last October. I had friends asking me, why the change? My answers are various, depending on my mood. Some of them, the typical, yeah..dah besar, dah wanita, most of them is because I just kinda don't have stuff to do. Medic student don't have stuff to do, wow, touche'.
Anywho, for some twisted fate, I ended up entering Debenhams before going back from Dublin the other day (or week, rather) aaaand tiba2 nak usha clinique because I've always heard good reviews about it. Honestly, make up doesn't mean much if your skin isn't flawless to begin with. I just don't believe in heavy make-ups.
Oh you just don't, just don't usha if you are not ready to buy. Well as usual, the 'consultant' asked if she could help. Obviously I needed one, was kinda clueless. I initially just wanted to look for a facial cleanser. I've been using mish-mash products for more than a year. Took the best product out of different brands. Apparently that works for me, but most of it, I just kinda disagree with the habit of buying all the product line of one brand just cause one suits you. It's just too damn expensive to keep changing everything.
So from then, up until now, been about maybe three weeks, I've been using this proper clinique set which is supposedly customized to my skin. I have combination dry-oily skin. Which is mostly annoying because i'm very sensitive on the cheek area but soooo very heavy on the t-zone. And to top that, I am so blmish-prone. just one day, one day, without proper face care, and it will just pop out in clusters. 0bhc)&^&BGhjRCvhdsvye37*&"!
First thing, the lady suggested me this cleansing foam, to get rid of my make up (as she observed that i, at the time, wore sloppy foundation and eyeshadows) and will also help deal with the blemishes as well. She said, 'You'll definitely need these', while observing my face. Mmmah, definitely.
It's really just a fluffy foam and done like how you would usually clean your face. it's kinda strong.
And then Clinique does this 3 steps face thing. First one is cleansing. I use this mild facial cleanser, usually used for combination skin.
This one's a bit softer, you just mix it with water to become a lather.
Step 2 is exfoliate.
Clinique clarifying lotion for dry combination skin. It's like a toner, but this stuff is super strong. It literally sizzles your face. Just dab it with soft cotton across your face making sure it covers every area at least once.
Step 3, moisturise.
This stuff is like concentrated water across your face.It's cool and very refreshing. But it also means that it's not that thick. Sometimes I have to apply twice to make sure my skin is dewy and supple.
This is the only thing that I'm disappointed with. The best moisturiser would be one that does everything. Moisturise and especially protect. So now I'm just depending on my body shop extra virgin minerals liquid foundation (whatever the hell extra virgin means) which contains spf20. I kinda wanna at least spf 30 for malaysia...yeah. I might just switch just the moisturiser, or i'll need to find facial sunscreen later.
oh and the final touch, especially for my all-year-round blemish-prone skin, anti blemish spot treatment gel.
Just thin layers of dots on the blemishes. This stuff is super strong, it'll make your pimple cry tears of blood. just kidding. it'll just dry them out to prunes. Great stuff. If anything, i want to always have this to my access.
So far it's nice, it's great in fact. I think my skin has gotten a bit more radiant. It starting to become that expensive cosmetic user look. I just need more determination to stick to my beauty regime. urghh. It really is just the routine and sticking to it. Not really anything fancy.
Till later- xx
Thursday, October 25, 2012
rintihan seorang hamba
Allah menguji orang-orang beriman kerana Allah hendak memberi mereka syurga. Allah memberi ujian tanda Allah sayang dan sedang memberi perhatian.
Allah suka hamba-hambaNya yang berdoa kepadaNya. Allah mahu aku doa lagi. Allah suka dengar doa aku. Mungkin dengan memberi apa yang aku mahu, aku tidak lagi mahu berdoa? Jadi sebab Allah sayang sangat padaku, dan Allah tak nak jauh hubungan aku denganNya, Allah nak beri aku ganjaran yang sangat-sangat banyak melalui sabar, tawakkal dan kebergantungan kepada Allah, maka Allah tahan dulu doaku.
Allah tidak memungkiri janji. Allah PASTI memakbulkan doaku. Apa yang harus aku lakukan hanyalah berdoa dan jangan pernah putus asa. Jangan penat, jangan berhenti. Terus-menerus meminta. Yang selebihnya terpulang kepada Allah, hendak dimakbulkan dengan segera, lambat, atau menggantikan dengan yang lain. Itu hak Allah. Tapi ingatlah, Allah Maha Pengasih, Maha Penyayang. Allah tidak akan mengecewakan hamba-hambaNya yang berusaha. Allah tidak menzalimi hambaNya.
Ingatlah Aisyah, di setiap ingatanmu untuk berdoa, di setiap ilham kamu untuk berdoa, di setiap itulah Allah sedang mengingatimu. Di setiap kali nama Allah kau sebut, setiap itulah Allah menyebut namamu.
Ya Allah, Ya Allah! Ya Allah, Ya Allah!
''Ya Aisyah..Ya Aisyah. Ya Aisyah..Ya Aisyah!''
''Aku dekat dan sungguh pertolonganKu sangat dekat. Sabarlah Aisyah, Aku sedang merancang yang terbaik untukmu. Aku sayang padamu. Berdoalah padaKu, Aku rindu mendengar rintihanmu. Datanglah kepadaKu, mengadulah padaKu, mintalah padaKu, Aku akan beri.''
''Ya Aisyah, Aku tahu, Aku dengar, Aku ada''
Ya Allah, Ya Allah! Ya Allah, Ya Allah!
Ampunkan dosa-dosaku! Hanya kepada-Mulah tempat aku mengadu. Kaulah Tuhan, tiada Tuhan melainkan Engkau. Siapalah yang mengetahui jiwa dan ragaku melainkan Engkau. Engkaulah Tuham Maha Mendengar, Maha Melihat, Maha Mengetahui. Kaulah sebaik-baik pelindung, sebaik-baik penolong. Kaulah satu-satunya harapan dan sandaranku. Kaulah Tuhan, pemilik langit dan bumi dan segala isinya. Kaulah Pencipta alam semesta. KuasaMu tiada batasan dan tolok tanding. Kaulah yang menghidupkan yang mati, mematikan yang hidup dan menghidupkan semula yang telah mati. Engkau raja manusia, raja segala raja, milik-Mulah segala kerajaan langit dan bumi. Tiada sesuatu pun yang berlaku melainkan dengan izinMu ya Allah.
Kaulah yang berkuasa atas setiap sesuatu. Kaulah yang berkuasa menterbalikkan bumi, membelah lautan dan meratakan bumi kembali kepada asal. Kaulah pemilik hidayah, pemegang hati-hati dan ubun-ubun kami. Ya Allah, aku hambaMu, janganlah Kau tinggalkan aku walau kadar kurang dari sedetik pun. Bagaimana aku mampu hidup tanpa rahmat dan petunjukMu ya Allah.
Ya Allah, Engkaulah tuhan yang berfirman ''Jadi, maka Jadilah''. Permudahkanlah urusanku, capaikanlah hajatku, tunaikanlah cita-citaku, perkenankanlah permintaanku, makbulkanlah doaku. Ya Allah, berikanlah aku rezeki dari arah yang aku duga dan tidak aku duga. Sunguh, Engkaulah maha berkuasa atas segalanya.
Allah menguji hamba-hamba yang beriman kerana Allah hendak memberi mereka syurga.
Aku sedang diuji, maka bergembiralah! Allah sedang perhatikan saya, menilai saya kerana saya calon syurga!
Matlamat hidup untuk mencapai redha Allah, rahmat Allah supaya kelak hidup di akhirat senang dan bahagia. Akhiratlah kebahagiaan yang abadi, yang hakiki.
Adakah perhiasan dunia, yang akan hilang dan tidak mampu membantuku di padang Mahsyar nanti menjadi matlamatku? Atau adakah redha dan rahmat Allah yang membolehkan aku senang-lenang dan bahagia dengan nikmat yang kekal abadi di sisi Pemilikku yang menjadi impianku? Bagaimana?
Adakah aku mahu menjadi orang-orang yang rugi, yang menolak nikmat abadi untuk nikmat semnetara, atau adakah aku ingin menjadi orang yang Allah beri kemenangan yang gilang-gemilang? Bagaimana?
Adakah aku ingin menjadi bodoh, pekak dan buta? atau adakah aku ingin menjadi orang yang berfikir?
p/s: dialog hanyalah dari lubuk hati dan nurani sendiri, tentu sekali bukan secara zahir tapi dari hati yang dekat dan merasa seolah-olah sedang berbicara dengan Sang Pencipta itu sendiri.
Allah suka hamba-hambaNya yang berdoa kepadaNya. Allah mahu aku doa lagi. Allah suka dengar doa aku. Mungkin dengan memberi apa yang aku mahu, aku tidak lagi mahu berdoa? Jadi sebab Allah sayang sangat padaku, dan Allah tak nak jauh hubungan aku denganNya, Allah nak beri aku ganjaran yang sangat-sangat banyak melalui sabar, tawakkal dan kebergantungan kepada Allah, maka Allah tahan dulu doaku.
Allah tidak memungkiri janji. Allah PASTI memakbulkan doaku. Apa yang harus aku lakukan hanyalah berdoa dan jangan pernah putus asa. Jangan penat, jangan berhenti. Terus-menerus meminta. Yang selebihnya terpulang kepada Allah, hendak dimakbulkan dengan segera, lambat, atau menggantikan dengan yang lain. Itu hak Allah. Tapi ingatlah, Allah Maha Pengasih, Maha Penyayang. Allah tidak akan mengecewakan hamba-hambaNya yang berusaha. Allah tidak menzalimi hambaNya.
Ingatlah Aisyah, di setiap ingatanmu untuk berdoa, di setiap ilham kamu untuk berdoa, di setiap itulah Allah sedang mengingatimu. Di setiap kali nama Allah kau sebut, setiap itulah Allah menyebut namamu.
Ya Allah, Ya Allah! Ya Allah, Ya Allah!
''Ya Aisyah..Ya Aisyah. Ya Aisyah..Ya Aisyah!''
''Aku dekat dan sungguh pertolonganKu sangat dekat. Sabarlah Aisyah, Aku sedang merancang yang terbaik untukmu. Aku sayang padamu. Berdoalah padaKu, Aku rindu mendengar rintihanmu. Datanglah kepadaKu, mengadulah padaKu, mintalah padaKu, Aku akan beri.''
''Ya Aisyah, Aku tahu, Aku dengar, Aku ada''
Ya Allah, Ya Allah! Ya Allah, Ya Allah!
Ampunkan dosa-dosaku! Hanya kepada-Mulah tempat aku mengadu. Kaulah Tuhan, tiada Tuhan melainkan Engkau. Siapalah yang mengetahui jiwa dan ragaku melainkan Engkau. Engkaulah Tuham Maha Mendengar, Maha Melihat, Maha Mengetahui. Kaulah sebaik-baik pelindung, sebaik-baik penolong. Kaulah satu-satunya harapan dan sandaranku. Kaulah Tuhan, pemilik langit dan bumi dan segala isinya. Kaulah Pencipta alam semesta. KuasaMu tiada batasan dan tolok tanding. Kaulah yang menghidupkan yang mati, mematikan yang hidup dan menghidupkan semula yang telah mati. Engkau raja manusia, raja segala raja, milik-Mulah segala kerajaan langit dan bumi. Tiada sesuatu pun yang berlaku melainkan dengan izinMu ya Allah.
Kaulah yang berkuasa atas setiap sesuatu. Kaulah yang berkuasa menterbalikkan bumi, membelah lautan dan meratakan bumi kembali kepada asal. Kaulah pemilik hidayah, pemegang hati-hati dan ubun-ubun kami. Ya Allah, aku hambaMu, janganlah Kau tinggalkan aku walau kadar kurang dari sedetik pun. Bagaimana aku mampu hidup tanpa rahmat dan petunjukMu ya Allah.
Ya Allah, Engkaulah tuhan yang berfirman ''Jadi, maka Jadilah''. Permudahkanlah urusanku, capaikanlah hajatku, tunaikanlah cita-citaku, perkenankanlah permintaanku, makbulkanlah doaku. Ya Allah, berikanlah aku rezeki dari arah yang aku duga dan tidak aku duga. Sunguh, Engkaulah maha berkuasa atas segalanya.
Allah menguji hamba-hamba yang beriman kerana Allah hendak memberi mereka syurga.
Aku sedang diuji, maka bergembiralah! Allah sedang perhatikan saya, menilai saya kerana saya calon syurga!
Matlamat hidup untuk mencapai redha Allah, rahmat Allah supaya kelak hidup di akhirat senang dan bahagia. Akhiratlah kebahagiaan yang abadi, yang hakiki.
Adakah perhiasan dunia, yang akan hilang dan tidak mampu membantuku di padang Mahsyar nanti menjadi matlamatku? Atau adakah redha dan rahmat Allah yang membolehkan aku senang-lenang dan bahagia dengan nikmat yang kekal abadi di sisi Pemilikku yang menjadi impianku? Bagaimana?
Adakah aku mahu menjadi orang-orang yang rugi, yang menolak nikmat abadi untuk nikmat semnetara, atau adakah aku ingin menjadi orang yang Allah beri kemenangan yang gilang-gemilang? Bagaimana?
Adakah aku ingin menjadi bodoh, pekak dan buta? atau adakah aku ingin menjadi orang yang berfikir?
p/s: dialog hanyalah dari lubuk hati dan nurani sendiri, tentu sekali bukan secara zahir tapi dari hati yang dekat dan merasa seolah-olah sedang berbicara dengan Sang Pencipta itu sendiri.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
exhausted
so tired of feeling like i'm wrong all the time. tired of considering other people.
i wish i have my friends near me. so that they'd understand. Then they can give a better opinion. their words always seem so reasonable, always amaze me. Opinions with justifications that i can't afford to deny, make me readily accept. Without having to use harsh words, or a play of emotion.
Sometimes i'm not sure what to do with myself or what to decide on certain things. So serba salah. I feel like i want to consult people all the time, but that's not realistically possible.
At certain point, i know something's wrong. The moment i deny it i know they are right. I look like im not okay, i look sad. But i just don't know how to tell. where to start, what to tell even. Because i myself don't know what's wrong with me. i wish people can tell me instead.
Maybe i'm just tired. physically tired. Less capable of coping with the changing season than others. the time of the year where days are longer than night. when it seems so long to wait for night to fall, and so early it lifts again.
anyone going for kak nisha's wedding? teringat terus insiden di SR 2A. endah? mariam? hehe. tak nak pergi wedding 'kakak'?
i wish i have my friends near me. so that they'd understand. Then they can give a better opinion. their words always seem so reasonable, always amaze me. Opinions with justifications that i can't afford to deny, make me readily accept. Without having to use harsh words, or a play of emotion.
Sometimes i'm not sure what to do with myself or what to decide on certain things. So serba salah. I feel like i want to consult people all the time, but that's not realistically possible.
At certain point, i know something's wrong. The moment i deny it i know they are right. I look like im not okay, i look sad. But i just don't know how to tell. where to start, what to tell even. Because i myself don't know what's wrong with me. i wish people can tell me instead.
Maybe i'm just tired. physically tired. Less capable of coping with the changing season than others. the time of the year where days are longer than night. when it seems so long to wait for night to fall, and so early it lifts again.
anyone going for kak nisha's wedding? teringat terus insiden di SR 2A. endah? mariam? hehe. tak nak pergi wedding 'kakak'?
Friday, April 13, 2012
another one of spring's 'kick'
I wonder if spring is really as glorious and fresh and happy and colourful as people,and so me included, perceive to be.
So i haven't been writing any blog posts recently. Broke my own record of trying to have at least one post every month. For my own satisfaction, for keep's sake. So that at one point i can look back and smile and share again the emotions that i poured into every writings that i made. 'Writings', i instantaneously notice, is maybe a bit an overrated word for these.
Perhaps, i admit, to a certain extent is because i have someone who are ever so willing to listen, to receive what i offer to share, to distract me from dullness and bring me to glow. So on one side, i rarely write anymore because i don't need to due to my being seldom down and sad, no more only having my own self to whine satisfactorily to, and on the other side, it's because i have my time filled by being up or always making effort towards it.
However, recently i find myself lifted from that blissful feeling into the solemn and deep self-reflective like-i-have-nothing-better-to-do self that i was before. Always complaining to the point that i sever almost every ear my voice can reach. How do i know? By the reactions that i get of course, and further amplified by the reactions i give in return. Which i regard as somewhat immature and, well, mengada-ngada. Yes, i admit. And i'm so disgusted and annoyed with myself right now.
But another side of me wants to defend myself still. Because most of what that are causing the down moments are things which are opposing my nature.
Last week i planned to go to barcelona. I decided to go on impulse, bought the ticket that night, and went to uk the next day. For some twisted fate, Allah has not meant for us to go. There was an air traffic strike in france, causing the flight to be cancelled because they aren't able to go across france air because that is the protocol. I was terribly hung by the cancellation, though we came up immediately with a back up holiday which i comfort myself in for the disappointment.
Then the further and further disappointment that i get when even the backup plans went astray. We just, practically spent 5, or 6 days doing nothing much but laze around, pretty much just pampering ourselves in london. Now you might think that that's not too bad. But i have limited time here in dublin, near uk and europe. I want to discover, set foot to as much places as i can. There were so much things that i wanted to do, and had chances to do, but we didn't. So i got so very much disappointed that i felt like crying when we were finally going back, and i looked back. The thought of spending a sum of money equivalent to me being able to discover one new country on something that are as mundane as shopping complexes, movies, restaurants and, well nothing else shreds me to extreme distress.
I know i am not giving enough credit for the trip. I did get to realize my childhood dream of watching the phantom of the opera on theater play, and we went to brighton beach for a couple of snaps here and there, had a good amount of fun spending time and money at the arcade at the pier. Still, that is such a small proportion of the whole trip that it makes me fret and condemn as a whole nevertheless.
And it doesn't help with people keep saying 'boring gila spend time kat london' all the time everywhere. Well it could have been not so boring! There were lots of things that we could have done! that i wanted to do.
And i am being kept away from fretting and whining because of the argument that i am not being thankful, not appreciating, i am being difficult and despite myself, everyone else is having fun. Well i have a different definition of fun when it comes to holiday and travel. When i decide to spend my not so much money extravagantly for a holiday, I'd like them to be on something new and worthy, so that i won't regret, so that when i wince at the small figure in my account i have something to comfort me, something that won't make me regret. That at least i did it the way i wanted to, because i wanted to.
The whole thing was so messed up that i finally gave up. Gave away to my hopelessness, shed some of the burden of disappointment along with my tears so that i could just hold on, until the whole thing is over. Until everything is behind us and i can pretend that i don't mind, that i don't care. I gave such a sad and quiet impression to fahrin he must think i'm rude. and it's not everyday you get to see a celebrity.
and i am still mad and disappointed. The only comfort i take was the holiday that was promised to me for summer. WAS. As in that's not gonna happen either. That made me fall into such deep grief, disappointment after disappointment. I never regret what happened, but i regret the things that didn't happen. Especially when i have the power and option to make them happen.
Which brings me to my recent predicament. of my being so fragile and getting sad over every single little thing that are insignificant and tiny. It's only safe to conclude that i am at my down moments, where i don't wanna think for myself, i'm too lazy to do things. It's not helping either, what's with having to decide on my plans for summer, finding a house to rent next semester, i almost feel like cursing all the time. I feel so bad, i can't stop whining. Nobody wants to hear me whine. Nobody can help me except for myself. So some time soon i have to hurry it up and pick up the pieces.
Some time soon, i hope. because i'm so tired of feeling so helpless.
So i haven't been writing any blog posts recently. Broke my own record of trying to have at least one post every month. For my own satisfaction, for keep's sake. So that at one point i can look back and smile and share again the emotions that i poured into every writings that i made. 'Writings', i instantaneously notice, is maybe a bit an overrated word for these.
Perhaps, i admit, to a certain extent is because i have someone who are ever so willing to listen, to receive what i offer to share, to distract me from dullness and bring me to glow. So on one side, i rarely write anymore because i don't need to due to my being seldom down and sad, no more only having my own self to whine satisfactorily to, and on the other side, it's because i have my time filled by being up or always making effort towards it.
However, recently i find myself lifted from that blissful feeling into the solemn and deep self-reflective like-i-have-nothing-better-to-do self that i was before. Always complaining to the point that i sever almost every ear my voice can reach. How do i know? By the reactions that i get of course, and further amplified by the reactions i give in return. Which i regard as somewhat immature and, well, mengada-ngada. Yes, i admit. And i'm so disgusted and annoyed with myself right now.
But another side of me wants to defend myself still. Because most of what that are causing the down moments are things which are opposing my nature.
Last week i planned to go to barcelona. I decided to go on impulse, bought the ticket that night, and went to uk the next day. For some twisted fate, Allah has not meant for us to go. There was an air traffic strike in france, causing the flight to be cancelled because they aren't able to go across france air because that is the protocol. I was terribly hung by the cancellation, though we came up immediately with a back up holiday which i comfort myself in for the disappointment.
Then the further and further disappointment that i get when even the backup plans went astray. We just, practically spent 5, or 6 days doing nothing much but laze around, pretty much just pampering ourselves in london. Now you might think that that's not too bad. But i have limited time here in dublin, near uk and europe. I want to discover, set foot to as much places as i can. There were so much things that i wanted to do, and had chances to do, but we didn't. So i got so very much disappointed that i felt like crying when we were finally going back, and i looked back. The thought of spending a sum of money equivalent to me being able to discover one new country on something that are as mundane as shopping complexes, movies, restaurants and, well nothing else shreds me to extreme distress.
I know i am not giving enough credit for the trip. I did get to realize my childhood dream of watching the phantom of the opera on theater play, and we went to brighton beach for a couple of snaps here and there, had a good amount of fun spending time and money at the arcade at the pier. Still, that is such a small proportion of the whole trip that it makes me fret and condemn as a whole nevertheless.
And it doesn't help with people keep saying 'boring gila spend time kat london' all the time everywhere. Well it could have been not so boring! There were lots of things that we could have done! that i wanted to do.
And i am being kept away from fretting and whining because of the argument that i am not being thankful, not appreciating, i am being difficult and despite myself, everyone else is having fun. Well i have a different definition of fun when it comes to holiday and travel. When i decide to spend my not so much money extravagantly for a holiday, I'd like them to be on something new and worthy, so that i won't regret, so that when i wince at the small figure in my account i have something to comfort me, something that won't make me regret. That at least i did it the way i wanted to, because i wanted to.
The whole thing was so messed up that i finally gave up. Gave away to my hopelessness, shed some of the burden of disappointment along with my tears so that i could just hold on, until the whole thing is over. Until everything is behind us and i can pretend that i don't mind, that i don't care. I gave such a sad and quiet impression to fahrin he must think i'm rude. and it's not everyday you get to see a celebrity.
and i am still mad and disappointed. The only comfort i take was the holiday that was promised to me for summer. WAS. As in that's not gonna happen either. That made me fall into such deep grief, disappointment after disappointment. I never regret what happened, but i regret the things that didn't happen. Especially when i have the power and option to make them happen.
Which brings me to my recent predicament. of my being so fragile and getting sad over every single little thing that are insignificant and tiny. It's only safe to conclude that i am at my down moments, where i don't wanna think for myself, i'm too lazy to do things. It's not helping either, what's with having to decide on my plans for summer, finding a house to rent next semester, i almost feel like cursing all the time. I feel so bad, i can't stop whining. Nobody wants to hear me whine. Nobody can help me except for myself. So some time soon i have to hurry it up and pick up the pieces.
Some time soon, i hope. because i'm so tired of feeling so helpless.
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