a whine

just a moment of self-pitying and self-assuring sambil mkn bihun sup buatan tangan campak2 siap sebab lapar gila dan tensi tak boleh survive makan roti je waktu2 genting camni.

on the bus just now, i feel like i should keep track of my progress in the world(hoho). in a more specific context; exam.

my first ever exam in medical school has just commenced. today was anatomy. 10 minutes with two examiners, countless days of studying beforehand.

it was ok la. i might not fail, but i dont think ive got a good mark either. cam besela.. cam mase cardsigning. honestly, aku tak kisah dapat pape asalkan lulus dan lepas so that nnt mase summer boleh pulang ke kampung halaman dgn hati yang tenang.(sbb klau kne repeat kne stay back ;( ) but why am i writing this whine? because deep down inside i had hoped i would do better this time. better than it was during cardsignings. better because i've prepared more than i did before. i had studied more. i had hoped. i feel...sad. :(

but SEE??? thats why its so rotten and inacceptable. lihat pada apakah harapan itu disandarkan. pada: aku dah sedia lebih, aku dah study lebih, insyaAllah boleh. well, i said insyaAllah, i did berserah and tawakkal. but beselah, dkat beberape jam sblom exam mesti dah stat dah.... mane pegi chill..mane pegi absolute tawakal. rase cam last minute tu lah nk pulun habis. time2 sebelum tuh ok je, dok doa lame2 pon rilek je. tadi sebelum exam mase lpak surau cadang nak bace quran ar sampai its time to go to the anat room. tenangkan hati, hayati tawakal, bahawasanya kalau Allah tak bagi tak dpt jep.. tapi.. after zohor tros kua selak nota smpaila pegi letak beg dalam loker and pakai labcoat. makenye aisyah shahrom, lpas ni silelah plih alQuran over anat notes yer. plis jgn sentap.

i had an okay feeling la sebelum masuk anat room tu. like i said, i wasnt hoping for something grand, im not a genius, never have been. mmg kapasiti otak dan intelek ku takat average sudeyh. just, hoping for better. not grand, but better. bile kua anat rum rase cam sedikit down. tapi takdela down sgt, ppl who know me knows how my 'down afta exam' looks like. im ok. im not draggy. well most of the time at least.
dlm bus tadi cam.."hurm......... wat the hell was that????" rase cam sebuah tamparan. "hamek kau jajan". why the hell did i hoped that for? i shouldnt hope for a result. result is not mine to make, mine to decide. it is not my right. my right is to work hard and give my best and pray to Allah to grant me the best; and the best i shall get for He has arranged everything in our life in the best way possible. result di sini is my performance mase exam la. result yg result tu hurm..pe jd tah lantok lerr tggal doa byk2 je la.
adehhhhh.... aplikasi mmg susah. ckp senang(tak ar sgt igt senang ke nak menyelami diri). tapi atleast dah diekstrak dari kepala and hati(hopefully) dan dimaterialize menjadi sesuatu yang boleh dilihat maka mudah untuk dirujuk kembali pada masa2 akan datang.

takpela.. kasi can la.. first exam kan. mmg sentap sket. walaupun belajar takat ayam2 je tapi nak ade jugak angan2 superman tuh. hoho.. besela. kite kene ade motivation kan. aim for the star, then if u fall, at least u fall on the moon. aim for gempak atleast i would lulus solid. keh3.
cume nak ckpnye kat sini ialah harapan dan angan2 itu hanya sebagai target dan motivasi, bukan suatu....anticipation.

Anticipation, or being enthusiastic, is an emotion involving pleasure (and sometimes anxiety) in considering some expected or longed-for good event. (credits kpd encik wiki)

atau dlm bahse melayunye....mengharap-harapkan, menanti-nanti (terima kasih online dictionary)

ok? result itu milik Allah. dah ditetapkan. muslim sejati tidak akan ade rase resah gelisah dalam hati nya kerana dia yakin kepada Allah.

anyways, besenye orang klau cakap mende2 motivasi ni lbeh kepada diri sendiri daripada org lain. contohnye liyana di status skype nye :P mauhuahau, nmpak fake and vulnerable kot. yeah i saw right through you. hohoh. (sometimes i think i have the tendency to analyze people, darn!) so percayaalaah....; because i recently noticed that some people might read my blog, that i am simply talking to myself. that all these are directed to me first and foremost.

tapi kalau mende2 camni senang kite nak nampak kan kalau org ni sebnanye lebih menghalakan ucapan atau motivasi tu kepada diri sendiri walaupun die ckp kat org ramai. contoh, kat lua exam hall: "dont lose hope babe, boleh punye, if we believe, we can surely achieve!" senang kan nak rase yang org yg ckp ni sbnanye nak mnaikkan smgt diri sendiri sblum sambil itu cube juge untuk mnaikkan org len. tapi klau org yang mengajak kepada kebaikan (like THE 'kebaikan') most of the time rase cam..eh pahal die nih tibe2 nasihat2 ajak2 orang. korang org alim kot. rajin g usrah. kitorang mane reti (negatif). takpun, hurm..bagosnye die ni, tapi die hebat kot, die bolehla nak rase/pikir/buat camtu.. aku nih..(lebih positif). jarang ar nak rase yang org tu tgh ajak diri sendiri smbil cube mngajak org lain. mungkin klau rase camtu, mungkin lebih senang utk menerima? karena rasanya masing2 juga serupa dan tiada beda? pada tahap yang sama? just a thought yang muncul susulan perkara di atas.

when i started studying for the exam, my spirits were like soooooo high. rase seronok je blaja. rase interesting je. tp dh lame2 tuh mulela hilang fokus. besela tu kan. so.. with this renewed 'hope' God willing, it will boost my spirit again to study for the next paper. on thursday. today is monday btw, jam blog ni tak ikut waktu ireland. ciao.

p/s: i feel like my mind is so bsepah ape yang muncul kat kepala men ckp je so explains the wateverness of this post. well it was supposed to be 'just a moment' of whine after all.